Shop till you drop

Today I've been out spending the money I just received from my deposit on the house I was renting while at Uni. I've had to have the cheque sent to me twice now since the first one was lost by my ever so organised parents. Mum opened it first and put it in a "safe place" then dad picked it up and mum told him not to loose it and to put it somewhere safe. Only problem was dad's somewhere safes are usually pretty forgettable so he couldn't remember where he'd put it. They turned the whole house upside down looking for it. In the end I was forced to phone the landlady up and ask for her to cancel the cheque and re-send another. Then I made parents promise to put the cheque in an envelope and mail it as soon as it touched their eager little palms.

Anyway, Said cheque has now paid for 4 new tops and 2 new pairs of trousers ready for work on Monday morning. I'd only got my 2 interview outfits with me which wasn't a very good wardrobe and as I can't go back to pick some more things up until next Friday I sort of needed to buy a few things to keep me going. Plus it was a nice treat for all the hard work applying for jobs. I also bought myself a lunch box and a new pencil case and pens and pencils. It feels a bit like the first day at school (well it is I suppose!). I'm getting nervous now. I'm going in tomorrow to sort out contract and things like that and also to sort out which bus routes I'm using to get to work.

I'm knackered now from all the shopping I've done. You wouldn't think that it would take so much out of you but I spent a good hour in one shop trying on outfits. OH, his gym "life-partner" and I went out for a drink after work which was most unexpected as they were supposed to be going to the gym but chose to give me a celebratory drink instead (any old excuse!). It was nice being able to sit and unwind and I'm looking forward to doing that having had a hard days work next week. I think I'll appreciate the evenings more now. Then OH and I decided to be naughty and go for a Chinese takeaway. I had to look for one in the yellow pages on my phone though. You would have thought that having lived here since the early 70's that my other half would know where there was a Chinese takeaway but he apparently doesn't despite his love of them *sigh*.

The past, present and the future

Yesterday is History; Tomorrow a Mystery; Today is a Gift, that's why it's called the Present.

The independent ran an article¹ today on researchers discoveries about why we get less excited about presents the older we get. I thought this was quite topical considering it's my partner's birthday tomorrow and he'll be turning the grand old age of 35. According to the article it all hinges on how our brain handles rewards². Apparently 'scientists have discovered that a chemical in the brain governing the delivery and feeling of reward is altered physically as a person grows old'¹ and this is meant to explain why opening presents is less exciting the older you get.

It sounds credible I suppose that your brain does effect how you react to gifts and I'm sure everyone can admit to it not being as fun opening your presents on Christmas morning as it was when you were a child. I know I miss haring downstairs³ to dive into your pile of gifts that Santa had left. Maybe it's not just about the chemicals though; maybe it's just that our priorities change.

I've entered a stage now in my life where I ask for practical gifts of things I need. Last Christmas I got a vacuum cleaner and for my birthday the previous year I asked for a tumble dryer. All very practical presents which are very hard to get excited over. I did attempt to attempt to resurrect the childhood scene of playing with my presents on Christmas day by trying to Hoover the lounge carpet but that didn't go down so well with those occupying the lounge at the time. Whilst the gifts become less exciting they can I think become more meaningful.

Of course that all depends on what you're given. We've all had those presents that you've opened and wondered how on earth that person thought that gift would be appropriate to give to you but done the obligatory smile and uttered those immortal words of 'oh, that's lovely thank you'. If a gift is well thought out and chosen carefully with the person in mind then it will bring joy upon opening. Perhaps not the grabbing the ripping of childhood but a much deeper form of appreciation.

The older you get the more you look for gifts outside of the monetary and material. I've found the older I've got ⁴  the more i've appreciated the things that money cannot buy like having friends and family and a partner who loves me. And who says that I can't be excited about those gifts. I practically smiled myself to sleep after my first date with my partner. One of the greatest gifts I can think of is the gift of another life. How many new parents have you seen going gaga over their new gift?

 

So maybe it isn't just children that get excited over gifts. Maybe it's just that adults have didn't ideas about what a gift is and means. We've so many things to be excited about and to be thankful for. Like the saying goes. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present. What do you have to be thankful for today.

 

1. Why presents become less exciting as you get older - Science, News - The Independent
2. Wow you don't say! I could have told them that without them spending any of my tax money. Does this mean that I hate exercise because my brain doesn't see it as rewarding, just exhausting?
3. Well maybe slowly plodding I was hardly an enthusiastic child having just woken up. For me the day doesn't start properly until about 3 hours after I've woken up so don't expect much of me pre-brunch.
4. Haha yes I know I'm only 22 and I'm making myself sound like an 82 year old but as my sister says I'm a granny at heart.

Back to black

I'm having a rough weekend this week. Maybe it's the thought of another impending interview and the looming fear that yet again I'll be rejected. I feel like this year has been one big train wreck. My confidence (what little I had) has gone, my dreams are in tatters and I've lost the one thing I thought I was good at ¹. If I can't get a job then what am I going to do. It would be the ultimate rejection. 'Never mind' said everyone when I had my meltdown and ruined my chances at getting my PGCE. 'You have a degree and a 2:1 is an excellent mark'. What good is a degree if I can't do anything with it though. It's a degree in education and even the education establishments don't seem to want me. Especially the ones I was training to teach in (primary schools).

I've been feeling lately like my life is so empty and like I'm running on auto-pilot. I do the same thing every day, I go the same places every weekend and soon I'll not even be able to afford to do that I'll just have to sit at home because that's free. The only thing good in my life and that's keeping me clinging on is my OH and I'm worried that I'm going to loose him because I can't tell him what's going on in my head. I want to but the words just won't form themselves and I just can't answer. I don't know myself what's happening. All I do know is I feel like I'm drifting back into the black abyss that I was in 6 months ago when my life fell apart and I have no way out because this was my way out. Getting a job and having something to distract me was meant to help but it isn't and I don't know what to do.

I'm frightened. I don't like where I'm heading but I feel powerless to stop it. I can't just smile and everything will feel better. I can't tell people what's wrong because they just don't understand. 'Everything' it seems is not a suitable answer. It's like witnessing an all-out massacre in front of you and someone asking 'what's wrong' and you just see so much that you just don't know where to start. Worst still there is no where to escape. You just think you've conquered it and then Wham there goes another wave and you don't know why or where it came from. You were happy to minutes ago why now.

When that wave does it, so unexpectedly you're left dazed and confused and with people asking all sorts expecting you to have the answer and you can't look them in the eye and tell them because you have no answer and the look of fear that you see in their eyes is so gut wrenching that you just can't bring yourself to look at them. No matter how bad you feel inside you dread to make them feel the way you do and though you try and you want to tell them what's going on inside. You know that if you do speak it out loud and let those words go there's no going back, no way to undo them. You're scared that once let loose that things will never be the same and that you'll make them just as unhappy as you.

What crushes me most is the doubts it creates in others. Most of all my OH because I love him so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He understands me like no other person, he has the patience of a saint and puts up with all the crap I throw at him and still he's by my side. Yet every time I'm down there's that little niggle. 'Do you still want to be with me?' and it puts doubts in my mind too not about whether I do want to be with him but because I wonder if he still wants to be with me. Am I still what he wants? How much more of this can he stand because I couldn't stand to loose him.

1. Which everyone says is temporary and once I believed them but I'm not so sure any more.

Weathering storms, applications and.... daddy long legs (eek!)

Today the small part of the U.K. in which I reside must have been through the complete cycle of weather excluding that of a hurricane. The day started off perfectly nicely with a few rays of sunshine to brighten my mood. I cheerfully begun work on the mound of job adverts that had suddenly appeared in the papers yesterday (so much for my thoughts of an impending drought in work opportunities). I wasn't really in the mood to tackle this mountain after yesterday's frenzied attack on the application form that the interviewing school had sent ¹. Chin up I thought. Once you've sorted it all out you can go for a little walk to the corner shop and replenish the M&M² and polo stock.

So I settled down to work and I'm thinking brilliant I've not got long to go I'll be done in no time. Stopped for a spot of lunch. Took a quick look online to see if it was possible to have my loved ones present delivered to me via online in time for his birthday. Then just as I'm thinking I could go out on my little sweetie trip now. I hear rumbling and the wind picks up. Two minutes later it's lashing it down with rain and there is scary lightening and thunderbolts. Eeek! I think. I hate lightening storms they freak me out, I'm convinced I'll get fried. If there's a lightening storm going on you'll usually find me cowering behind something and staying as far away from light switches, windows and plug sockets as possible. I unplugged the laptop (very gingerly I might add) in case that got fried and tried my best to distract myself.

It thundered none stop for about 45 minutes or so. Then it stopped and I think finally I'll have some peace so I can chill but no. Then I hear this weird fluttering noise and I look up at the window which I'd had open because it was stuffy and there was the hugest daddy long legs I've ever seen. I panicked and tried in vain to flap it out the window with a very floppy piece of newspaper no such luck. The damn thing clung on with two of it's legs. I wimped out and closed the blinds so I couldn't see and hoped it wouldn't escape.

I'm now sat here waiting for my night in shining armor to come home from work and rescue me. He'd better be quick because it's sounding vicious!

 
1. I really ticked me off. I'd already sent them my CV and a letter of application and it was enough to get me an interview why do I need to fill in the application they have all the information in what I already sent them!
2. It wasn't me who ate them all it was the little ladybird's I promise 

Let's party like its 1909!

Today was my OH's grandmother's 99th birthday. We went on a 50 mile round trip for lunch. A bit far you might say but it was an extremely good lunch and very good value for money. We had a carvery for the bargain price of £3.50. My OH was working today so unfortunately he couldn't join us but I'm hoping I can take him back there so he can sample the tasty treats.

I hope that his Nan enjoyed her birthday. I can only hope that I live to see the grand old age of 99. A lot must have happened in this last almost century. My OH's Nan has seen and survived 2 world wars, the rise in use of cars and motorised transport and overseas travel, television, the Internet, the list goes on. It's got me thinking what changes will I see in my lifetime? Maybe global warming will have taken over earth and we'll all be forced to move to the Moon or Mars. Maybe our cars will fly or we'll teleport everywhere. Who knows? I wonder whether I'll be able to keep up with the changes (I hope so) or will I be like my grandmother and be completely puzzled by any new form of technology.

Of course I might not live beyond tomorrow. I might get swallowed by a small black hole originating from Switzerland!

Two kinds of secret

“There are two kinds of secrets: Those we keep from others, and those we hide from ourselves”

-Frank Warren Postsecret.com

Everyone has secrets. Whether they're big or small, bad or good. We have them. Whether we're keeping them to spare feelings to spare our own feelings or others,trying to save our bacon or simply keeping something so it'll be a surprise. We all do it.

There's something profound in Frank's quote. It's not said aloud and I don't think it has to be but I get the sense that he is trying to say that the secrets that we keep that we daren't tell another soul let alone think about ourselves are the ones that may well do the most damage. The one's that you taunt yourself with when you can't sleep in the early hours of the morning, when you're feeling low and in anguish over them and you wish you could tell someone but you're afraid that they'll never understand the why, when or how.

It's amazing the power that other people's opinions have on us. Even those people who claim they don't care what people think. Deep down I think they do and they only say they don't to cover up that fact. Given the option to reveal things anonymously however can give people the courage to let go of the things that taunt them or they're just to shy to admit. I wonder how many people a year send anonymous valentines to their secret loves?

Frank has been giving people the opportunity of anonymous relief from their secrets for almost 5 years now. Secret bearers can mail him a postcard bearing their secret, Frank then lovingly scans these cards and posts them on his blog every Sunday for the rest of the web community to see. Whilst it might seem like an odd thing to do I can see why people would do it. The feeling of immense relief people must get from releasing their secrets knowing that they remain anonymous and the chances of it ever being recognised by people they know are so small.

There are secrets that I've read on the blog however that tug on my heart strings and I dearly wish that I could tell them that things will be alright or give them a hug. This is where the problem of being anonymous rears it's head. The anonymity gives you the guts to share and the relief but it doesn't give you the forgiveness or understanding that you wished for.

That's what's nice about this blog. I have anonymity and familiarity both at the same time. I'm anonymous to those who do not know I have this blog but familiar to those who I let in (hello honey ;) ). I've never been very good at expressing my feelings and sensitive thoughts out loud. I'm a bottler and take years to build up confidences with people. I've always been shy and found it hard to say what I'm really thinking and I ponder what I'll say when I do come out with something. I psyche myself up for hours before I have to make a phone call and if I can find any other way to communicate I will preferably if it involves a computer. There is something about writing in printed type which is therapeutic to me. I think it's because if I do something wrong then I can go back and undo it. Once something is said then it can't be undone. There are things I put down in words in this blog that I know I could never express out loud and knowing that I can write it here and someone else close to me will read is nerve-racking but also at the same time so peaceful.

The idea of postcard secrets does appeal to me. The thought of setting something free for the world to see without anyone ever knowing it was me makes my heart flutter but for now I think I'll stick to sharing them with you ;) .

Money, Money, Money

As I write this my incredibly sexy other half is serenading me with the hits of ABBA. He's entertaining himself while he works. There have been points where I wondered if he'd injured himself and I should go to his aid but on the whole it's quite tuneful!

Still at least he's earning his crust. I wish I was. I've been looking on facebook a lot this week which is probably a bad idea not only because it's an incredibly good distraction but also because it's back to school week. Nice for all those mums and dads out their who've finally got shot of their kids till October half term however not so nice for me. It's good for job prospects I mean I can't get a job as a teaching assistant if the school's aren't open but not so good for self-esteem. If I'd not gotten stressed and failed my placement and some because of it then I'd have graduated from my PGCE course this July and I may well have had a job by now. Instead I have to read all of my friends statuses and wall posts saying how they're tired but having fun. I can't but give a deep sigh and wonder what life would be like if I had been able to carry on.

But I didn't. In a way I feel more free but trapped at the same time. It's an odd feeling. I'm glad that I stopped when I did because I know that I was heading for self destruct but now I put the teaching on pause I'm not quite sure what I want to do. It's been such a big part of my life that it's hard to think of other things to fill the space with. I feels a bit like having been in a car accident and having to learn to walk again. You wonder if you'll be able to walk or to drive again or if you want to or whether you'll have to find another way to get about but you're not sure whether you can cycle or use the bus because you've never tried and it's been a long time since you rode a bicycle.

I wanted to try and do something with my ICT skills. I'm quite creative and my computer is like a 5th limb to me but all the jobs I seem to find want me to have experience or qualifications and I haven't done any formal exams relating to ICT since I was at school. I don't really want to retrain. I've spent 3 years doing a degree I want some life experience now. If anyone's got any smart ideas I'd love to hear them.

Loosing something you never had

I've felt quite down today. It's probably the hormones. Aunty Flo has arrived today. She's caused a lot of angst this month to the point of forcing me to take a test last night to check if she'd gone on a 9 month vacation. The test said no she hadn't but I was anxious why she'd not shown any signs of arrival. Both my OH and myself sat anxiously in the bathroom for what felt like the longest 2 minutes of my life.

I'd spent all of the weekend umming and arring about taking the test and what on earth we were going to do if it came out positive. I have no money and no home to call my own, me and my OH aren't even engaged and I'd hoped that I'd be married if such an event occurred. I was so afraid of what might be. But secretly I was also fantasising, imaging what I'd look like with a bump, the clothes I'd buy for them, bathing them, feeding them, playing games and being a family. So whilst I breathed a sigh of relief when it turned negative I also felt quite disappointed and like I'd missed out on something very special.

It feels lately like I haven't had many special things happen to me (except my OH who is my rock). I've had one really rough year. I left my PGCE course in April after suffering  from what I think was a major bought of depression and stress. I've got the opportunity to go back in January and finish it off but I'm just not sure that I'm ready to. Instead I'm looking for jobs as a teaching assistant because I like working in schools and with children and it'll hopefully help me to decide if I want to carry on trying to be a teacher, do something else, or maybe just carry on being a TA. So far I've had interviews but no job offers, I've got less money than when I was a student which seems a bit of an oxymoron really. I like to know where I'm going and what I'm doing so not knowing what I'll be doing in 6 months time let alone 9 or 12 is killing me. I'm going to go an get job seekers soon. I've resisted till now out  of cowardice. I hate form filling and I hate asking for things especially if I feel I don't deserve them.

In a way I feel a little gutted that the test did come back negative. In those few days I had my next 9 months planned. They would have been hard but I'd have had something to show for them and something to do. I'd have a purpose. I think ever since I was old enough to contemplate having children I've wanted them (not as in being a teen mum or anything... always when I felt ready) and I've sort of had this mental map of how my life would look and it looks nothing like how my life is now and I wonder if it ever will. I know it probably won't ever and it's probably completely unrealistic but I'd love it if some part of it were true at least.