Back to black

I'm having a rough weekend this week. Maybe it's the thought of another impending interview and the looming fear that yet again I'll be rejected. I feel like this year has been one big train wreck. My confidence (what little I had) has gone, my dreams are in tatters and I've lost the one thing I thought I was good at ¹. If I can't get a job then what am I going to do. It would be the ultimate rejection. 'Never mind' said everyone when I had my meltdown and ruined my chances at getting my PGCE. 'You have a degree and a 2:1 is an excellent mark'. What good is a degree if I can't do anything with it though. It's a degree in education and even the education establishments don't seem to want me. Especially the ones I was training to teach in (primary schools).

I've been feeling lately like my life is so empty and like I'm running on auto-pilot. I do the same thing every day, I go the same places every weekend and soon I'll not even be able to afford to do that I'll just have to sit at home because that's free. The only thing good in my life and that's keeping me clinging on is my OH and I'm worried that I'm going to loose him because I can't tell him what's going on in my head. I want to but the words just won't form themselves and I just can't answer. I don't know myself what's happening. All I do know is I feel like I'm drifting back into the black abyss that I was in 6 months ago when my life fell apart and I have no way out because this was my way out. Getting a job and having something to distract me was meant to help but it isn't and I don't know what to do.

I'm frightened. I don't like where I'm heading but I feel powerless to stop it. I can't just smile and everything will feel better. I can't tell people what's wrong because they just don't understand. 'Everything' it seems is not a suitable answer. It's like witnessing an all-out massacre in front of you and someone asking 'what's wrong' and you just see so much that you just don't know where to start. Worst still there is no where to escape. You just think you've conquered it and then Wham there goes another wave and you don't know why or where it came from. You were happy to minutes ago why now.

When that wave does it, so unexpectedly you're left dazed and confused and with people asking all sorts expecting you to have the answer and you can't look them in the eye and tell them because you have no answer and the look of fear that you see in their eyes is so gut wrenching that you just can't bring yourself to look at them. No matter how bad you feel inside you dread to make them feel the way you do and though you try and you want to tell them what's going on inside. You know that if you do speak it out loud and let those words go there's no going back, no way to undo them. You're scared that once let loose that things will never be the same and that you'll make them just as unhappy as you.

What crushes me most is the doubts it creates in others. Most of all my OH because I love him so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He understands me like no other person, he has the patience of a saint and puts up with all the crap I throw at him and still he's by my side. Yet every time I'm down there's that little niggle. 'Do you still want to be with me?' and it puts doubts in my mind too not about whether I do want to be with him but because I wonder if he still wants to be with me. Am I still what he wants? How much more of this can he stand because I couldn't stand to loose him.

1. Which everyone says is temporary and once I believed them but I'm not so sure any more.

Weathering storms, applications and.... daddy long legs (eek!)

Today the small part of the U.K. in which I reside must have been through the complete cycle of weather excluding that of a hurricane. The day started off perfectly nicely with a few rays of sunshine to brighten my mood. I cheerfully begun work on the mound of job adverts that had suddenly appeared in the papers yesterday (so much for my thoughts of an impending drought in work opportunities). I wasn't really in the mood to tackle this mountain after yesterday's frenzied attack on the application form that the interviewing school had sent ¹. Chin up I thought. Once you've sorted it all out you can go for a little walk to the corner shop and replenish the M&M² and polo stock.

So I settled down to work and I'm thinking brilliant I've not got long to go I'll be done in no time. Stopped for a spot of lunch. Took a quick look online to see if it was possible to have my loved ones present delivered to me via online in time for his birthday. Then just as I'm thinking I could go out on my little sweetie trip now. I hear rumbling and the wind picks up. Two minutes later it's lashing it down with rain and there is scary lightening and thunderbolts. Eeek! I think. I hate lightening storms they freak me out, I'm convinced I'll get fried. If there's a lightening storm going on you'll usually find me cowering behind something and staying as far away from light switches, windows and plug sockets as possible. I unplugged the laptop (very gingerly I might add) in case that got fried and tried my best to distract myself.

It thundered none stop for about 45 minutes or so. Then it stopped and I think finally I'll have some peace so I can chill but no. Then I hear this weird fluttering noise and I look up at the window which I'd had open because it was stuffy and there was the hugest daddy long legs I've ever seen. I panicked and tried in vain to flap it out the window with a very floppy piece of newspaper no such luck. The damn thing clung on with two of it's legs. I wimped out and closed the blinds so I couldn't see and hoped it wouldn't escape.

I'm now sat here waiting for my night in shining armor to come home from work and rescue me. He'd better be quick because it's sounding vicious!

 
1. I really ticked me off. I'd already sent them my CV and a letter of application and it was enough to get me an interview why do I need to fill in the application they have all the information in what I already sent them!
2. It wasn't me who ate them all it was the little ladybird's I promise 

Filling the voids

I finally got the details through for a job interview that was supposed to be happening next week. I was beginning to think that I had dreamed getting the phone call asking if I was still available.

I emailed the other day to check the progress on the information I was supposed to be getting and it was apparently been typed as I read and that I would get the letter, job description and application form in the post shortly.... but hang on a minute. I thought I'd already applied? Oh well I thought, they've left it an awfully long time to reply to my initial application (I applied way back in July) they might have been re-offering the job and were sending out application forms to new applicants as well as informing me of when my interview was.

Sadly today I discovered that was not the case. After all that work I put in writing a letter of application and sending it in with my CV I now have to go through the whole process again only I have to write the details in boxes! Not only that but I discovered that I'm going to be interviewed twice by these people (as if once wasn't torture enough). It's also got me worried because I apparently get told the results of my interview on the day as part of the interview process. I've only ever had one job offer and it was from someone I knew so it was more informal. I have no idea how to go about accepting a job. I'm shy and retiring and don't like being put on the spot.

I phoned my mum up for support and just ended up coming back feeling worse than when I'd rang. She had another moan at me about getting income support. I'm feeling a little isolated at the moment. It feels that everything I want to do boils down to having money. I want my own space where I can flit from room to room without feeling like I'm intruding and where I can sulk, laugh or cry if I want to and have a key so I can come and go as I please; I want to have something to do in the day other than looking for work (i.e. a job); I want to learn to drive and buy a car. Sadly it feels like none of this is going to happen soon if at all.

I tried to cheer myself up by blogging but I don't think it's working. I have this new gadget for windows live writer (the program I use to write this blog). It puts up handy pictures and articles as I type my blog so that you can add them in if they fit what you're talking about.

I found this cartoon in blog article on there and it's the only thing that's made me crack even the faintest of smiles today.

Follow me?

Secretly I think everyone wants to know they're liked by at least one person. They might try their hardest to hide it but we all crave that little bit of attention from something or someone. The knowledge that someone out there knows that they exist.

I for one have a secret urge to become an Internet celebrity. To be known across the ether. I'm not exactly sure what I'd like to be famous for, maybe I could be someone who is just famous for fame's sake a bit like Paris Hilton...Only I'd have more brain cells and not act like a complete arse thinking I was better than anyone else. I'd just be happy that people knew me and knew who I was.

When I was a child I used to dream of being famous, all those people following my every move. Now I've grown up a little I've realised that maybe being hounded by paparazzi 24/7 isn't what I want. I quite like the idea of being known for my writing. I've had a few poems published and I've always thought that maybe I could have my own book of poems published. All of mine and not just part of a huge anthology. Maybe I should make it a new year's resolution (well 3/4 of the way through the year really!).

I think maybe if I want to lead the quiet life while being famous then I could be known maybe just by online pseudonym. I could be the next Belle De Jour ¹. Maybe like her I'll be famous for my blog. I'd probably have to change my name though, pinkymooo sounds a bit lame don't ya' think?

Of course in order to be famous for blogging then people would actually have to read the thing. Deep down I reckon every blogger secretly hopes that they'll get a cult following. I know I do. It would be nice to think that it wasn't just my OH reading these posts! I got quite excited the other week when I spotted that Blogger (the site that hosts this blog) was introducing a new feature. It's a widget that you can add to your blog that lets readers add themselves either publicly or anonymously to a followers list for you blog. I've eagerly awaited it's activation². Well now they've finally let us use it. So I've added it to my blog in the vain hope that someone else out there is reading this and doesn't think this blog is carp (of course you can still add yourself as a follower even if you do!).

So if you're reading out there and you're liking what you're reading then why not tell me. I'll brighten up my day. Especially as I still have another 25 days left before I hit my 40 days of blogging target.

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1. I'd probably wouldn't write as well as her and I'd definitely not have the guts to be as XXX. I have the utmost admiration for what she's done though. It's given me an insight into the life of a profession that I've always been intrigued (in the sense of wondering why they do it and what goes on behind closed doors) by but would never want to join.

2. Why they couldn't activate it straight away I don't know. I guess they wanted to have us frothing at the mouth before they let us have it.

Let's party like its 1909!

Today was my OH's grandmother's 99th birthday. We went on a 50 mile round trip for lunch. A bit far you might say but it was an extremely good lunch and very good value for money. We had a carvery for the bargain price of £3.50. My OH was working today so unfortunately he couldn't join us but I'm hoping I can take him back there so he can sample the tasty treats.

I hope that his Nan enjoyed her birthday. I can only hope that I live to see the grand old age of 99. A lot must have happened in this last almost century. My OH's Nan has seen and survived 2 world wars, the rise in use of cars and motorised transport and overseas travel, television, the Internet, the list goes on. It's got me thinking what changes will I see in my lifetime? Maybe global warming will have taken over earth and we'll all be forced to move to the Moon or Mars. Maybe our cars will fly or we'll teleport everywhere. Who knows? I wonder whether I'll be able to keep up with the changes (I hope so) or will I be like my grandmother and be completely puzzled by any new form of technology.

Of course I might not live beyond tomorrow. I might get swallowed by a small black hole originating from Switzerland!

True love

I saw this post secret the other day and it made me smile and I completely agree. Of all the people I've known in my life It's been (dare I say it) the slightly geekier ones that have been the most caring and sharing. I think it was because they were never in the 'it' crowd and they didn't have a pretence of being cool and popular to keep. They were just genuine. I'm not sure I really like the label geek. I was always branded as a geek in school because I had glasses but I never considered myself one. Secretly I think I wished to be cool but now I've grown up I've realised I'd rather be unique and be me.

My OH is a Star Wars fan and if you've read my blog you'll know he got me to watch it recently and I'm totally converted. I can wholeheartedly agree with that postcard. My OH is my one true love. My first love. He is the kindest most sensitive person I know. He loves me even when I don't love myself and accepts me for just being me. He is perfect.

Seeing past the obstacles

The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity.  The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

- Winston Churchill

I've always considered myself to be a pessimist, a glass half empty kind of girl. After all if you think you're going to fail and you don't then you have a pleasant surprise. Hope to much that you'll succeed and the plunge to failure feels a lot further. But reading that quote has made me think. I've overcome many obstacles in my life to get where I am today and I'm sure that I'll hurdle a few more before my innings are up. The thing that struck me though is that though I complain and wonder if I'll ever get there or that I'll fail I never give up. It was a quality that probably did me a little too much harm to me than I should have let it when I was stressed and depressed. It brought me to cracking point and I only stopped when my body physically wouldn't let me keep going.

Whilst getting over my depression and stress is the most traumatic and probably the hardest of my obstacles I've tackled (and I'm still tackling) the longest obstacle I've had to face is without doubt my problems with maths. I sat through a lecture last year about learning difficulties and maths and was dumbstruck at the length of time it has taken those who work in the education sector to work out that people can have genuine difficulties with maths and don't just need to "try harder"¹. She commented on how it wasn't acceptable for people to admit they were bad at English or couldn't read, that nowadays people could have all sorts of tests and help to make sure that they did fall victim to dyslexia and illiteracy but it society thinks that it's absolutely fine for you to admit that you're not any good with numbers. She was of course making the point that it wasn't O.K. for people to be allowed to accept this and allowing them to was allowing our children to slip through the net and I quite agree.

I've had hundreds of people tell me that they're not any good at maths and I'm sure that a fair few of them were probably reasonably O.K. and that they just lacked confidence but I never doubted their sincerity. To me not being good at maths seemed like a fact of life. It's not simply a lack of confidence with me. I genuinely cannot grasp the concepts of math. I cannot even add simple numbers together like 7+3 and come up with an answer off the top of my head. I have to count on. Times Tables are a complete puzzle to me. I tried my best to learn them by rote but nothing stuck. I can do my 1, 5 and 10 times and that's what gets me by in life. And it's not just numbers. I struggle to read analogue clocks; I can't divide cake into equal slices; I don't know my left from my right half the time (driving lessons are fun!); map reading is lost on me as my sense of direction is pants (I get lost simply by walking inside a shop and coming out again); I struggle to read bus and train timetables.

It wasn't until a few years ago, once I'd persevered through primary school, secondary school, 6th form and 2 years of a university degree that I discovered that my difficulties had a name. I could be dyscalculic. In basic terms dyscalculia is the maths equivalent of being dyslexic. I've never been tested and I doubt I ever will be². Part of me would love to be tested simply so I had a piece of paper which I could flaunt in front of the eyes of all those people who told me to try harder and didn't believe that I wasn't any good at maths but at the same time I'm happy just to know in my heart of hearts that it wasn't all my fault that I was bad at maths it was just that my brain isn't mapped out that way and to be thankful that I have all these things that I can do and do so much better than those maths geeks I know who taunted me in school.

I've since joined a wonderful forum of like-minded people that have proved to me that no matter what obstacles life throws at you, you can overcome them if you choose to.

If you're reading this and thinking OMG that sounds like me then I suggest you try googling dyscalculia and see if it fits what you experience and if you want to join a forum I can highly recommend the dyscalculia forum they have members from all over the world and they can help you find information about help in your area.

1. I get so angry when people say I should just try harder. Sometimes no matter how hard you try things are impossible.
2. In the U.K. testing for learning difficulties normally takes place when a person is studying and as I am no longer in the education system I do not have that option