Room for two?

Today's been rather fraught. It was the last day of my first working week. Yes I know it's only Thursday but I've got Friday off as I have a prior engagement which I'd booked before I started work. Although the children are going on a trip tomorrow and I'd love to be going with them as it sounds really exciting and I'm looking forward to hearing about it from them on Monday morning when I'm back.

After work OH and I decided we'd try and conquer many tasks. Firstly we went double bed shopping. I can't remember if I mentioned or not that we were thinking of doing this or not. We're currently in separate rooms and OH is on a camp bed. Not very ideal, so we're looking for a double bed that will fit comfortably into the room I'm in so we can a) be together and b) both be comfortable in the long term. We tried a few beds out. The ones with memory foam were rather comfy but OH isn't sure if it wouldn't be too hot in the summer. I think that it'll probably be O.K. but if anyone has a bed with memory foam then please do tell us what it feels like to lay on day in day out especially in the summer.

Next we tackled the weekly shop. That practically brought on a marital. Or at least it would if we were married! I suggested that we might want to get a small trolley. He was adamant that we only needed a basket saying that we didn't need that much. I said we didn't have to fill the trolley to the brim but he was having none of it. I was thinking about the drink cartons and water bottles I needed to buy for lunches and cans of pop I needed to stock up on. In hindsight we agreed later that it would have made more sense if I'd pointed that out in the first place and then we may have had a trolley to start off with rather than struggling half way around with the basket and then me putting my foot down and getting the trolley! I love him dearly though.

By then it was getting late and we hadn't had dinner so we were naughty and opted for a Chinese. OH left me to order while he nipped home to dump the shopping. We ended up with far too many spring rolls as our order went over a certain price bracket so we got some free as well as the ones we'd already ordered. By the end of dinner I was so stuffed I could hardly move and it was making me sleepy. We sat down with OH's parents and watched a programme about how some oil rig had been made. I only got half way through at most before I nodded off. We were meant to be packing ready for the weekend but we've decided to leave that till tomorrow morning now.

Party Fever

Today has been a bit of a slow day today for us. I'm nursing a lovely new cold that my OH has decided to give me as a congratulations on your new job present. Needless to say that thoughtful as it was I'd like to swap the gift for something which involves a lot less tissues but I'll keep the TLC. Credit to him though he has been my nurse-maiding me back to health and mopping my fevered brow.

We went out for our usual Saturday cinema session with OH's mates (well I suppose they're mine now too). We saw Tropical Thunder. It had a mixed bag on the review front. I enjoyed it and gym life-partner loved it (he was on his 4th viewing I think). OH on the other hand didn't enjoy it and the other mate was undecided. I think though that we were all in agreement about enjoying the TGI Fridays we had for tea to celebrate my new job. That was yummy!

Aspirational Goldfish

Ever since I got my job offer and I've been prepping for work next week I've been thinking about the future. There are certain things I think you start to think about at particular times in your life. Mine so far have been a place of my own to life in with my OH, children but before all that a job. Now I have a job I can move onto the other things. I don't think I'm quite ready for children just yet and we haven't really accrued enough money yet to buy somewhere (we could start thinking about renting though). OH's mum made us smile this morning (well me this evening when OH told me). She suggested now I had a job that we might want to get a double bed! So it's not just me that's thinking ahead. Oh course the logistics of that are a little tricky considering the rooms we inhabit but the idea does sound very inviting.

I on the other hand have been going down the adding to the family numbers route. Whilst children are off the menu for now a pet would be quite nice. We can't really get a cat or a dog or something small and furry as there isn't really room or time for them and some family members have an aversion to certain animals. When I was in town the other day buying clothes I spotted an aquarium shop and went in to look at the fish. There was a £28 starter kit that included a fish bowl, some weed and food, a net and 2 goldfish. A bargain price I thought. However a fish still needs some looking after, feeding, cleaning out the bowl and such which all cost money on a regular basis. So they've become aspirational fish. Ones which I will buy when I have more money to burn and a better place to keep them. Instead for now I've set my sight on some sea monkeys. If you've not heard of them before they're basically little Brine Shrimp. They cost less than £20 and live for 2 years and come with a packet of food that's meant to last a year. So that's a pet that'll cost you £20 for one year plus about £1 a year to feed them once the first year's food runs out. I've had them before and not been as successful as I would have liked but I think I've learned from my success so I'm hoping if I do get some then I'll become a sea monkey expert. I'll make a mother of me yet!

Back to black

I'm having a rough weekend this week. Maybe it's the thought of another impending interview and the looming fear that yet again I'll be rejected. I feel like this year has been one big train wreck. My confidence (what little I had) has gone, my dreams are in tatters and I've lost the one thing I thought I was good at ¹. If I can't get a job then what am I going to do. It would be the ultimate rejection. 'Never mind' said everyone when I had my meltdown and ruined my chances at getting my PGCE. 'You have a degree and a 2:1 is an excellent mark'. What good is a degree if I can't do anything with it though. It's a degree in education and even the education establishments don't seem to want me. Especially the ones I was training to teach in (primary schools).

I've been feeling lately like my life is so empty and like I'm running on auto-pilot. I do the same thing every day, I go the same places every weekend and soon I'll not even be able to afford to do that I'll just have to sit at home because that's free. The only thing good in my life and that's keeping me clinging on is my OH and I'm worried that I'm going to loose him because I can't tell him what's going on in my head. I want to but the words just won't form themselves and I just can't answer. I don't know myself what's happening. All I do know is I feel like I'm drifting back into the black abyss that I was in 6 months ago when my life fell apart and I have no way out because this was my way out. Getting a job and having something to distract me was meant to help but it isn't and I don't know what to do.

I'm frightened. I don't like where I'm heading but I feel powerless to stop it. I can't just smile and everything will feel better. I can't tell people what's wrong because they just don't understand. 'Everything' it seems is not a suitable answer. It's like witnessing an all-out massacre in front of you and someone asking 'what's wrong' and you just see so much that you just don't know where to start. Worst still there is no where to escape. You just think you've conquered it and then Wham there goes another wave and you don't know why or where it came from. You were happy to minutes ago why now.

When that wave does it, so unexpectedly you're left dazed and confused and with people asking all sorts expecting you to have the answer and you can't look them in the eye and tell them because you have no answer and the look of fear that you see in their eyes is so gut wrenching that you just can't bring yourself to look at them. No matter how bad you feel inside you dread to make them feel the way you do and though you try and you want to tell them what's going on inside. You know that if you do speak it out loud and let those words go there's no going back, no way to undo them. You're scared that once let loose that things will never be the same and that you'll make them just as unhappy as you.

What crushes me most is the doubts it creates in others. Most of all my OH because I love him so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He understands me like no other person, he has the patience of a saint and puts up with all the crap I throw at him and still he's by my side. Yet every time I'm down there's that little niggle. 'Do you still want to be with me?' and it puts doubts in my mind too not about whether I do want to be with him but because I wonder if he still wants to be with me. Am I still what he wants? How much more of this can he stand because I couldn't stand to loose him.

1. Which everyone says is temporary and once I believed them but I'm not so sure any more.

True love

I saw this post secret the other day and it made me smile and I completely agree. Of all the people I've known in my life It's been (dare I say it) the slightly geekier ones that have been the most caring and sharing. I think it was because they were never in the 'it' crowd and they didn't have a pretence of being cool and popular to keep. They were just genuine. I'm not sure I really like the label geek. I was always branded as a geek in school because I had glasses but I never considered myself one. Secretly I think I wished to be cool but now I've grown up I've realised I'd rather be unique and be me.

My OH is a Star Wars fan and if you've read my blog you'll know he got me to watch it recently and I'm totally converted. I can wholeheartedly agree with that postcard. My OH is my one true love. My first love. He is the kindest most sensitive person I know. He loves me even when I don't love myself and accepts me for just being me. He is perfect.

Two kinds of secret

“There are two kinds of secrets: Those we keep from others, and those we hide from ourselves”

-Frank Warren Postsecret.com

Everyone has secrets. Whether they're big or small, bad or good. We have them. Whether we're keeping them to spare feelings to spare our own feelings or others,trying to save our bacon or simply keeping something so it'll be a surprise. We all do it.

There's something profound in Frank's quote. It's not said aloud and I don't think it has to be but I get the sense that he is trying to say that the secrets that we keep that we daren't tell another soul let alone think about ourselves are the ones that may well do the most damage. The one's that you taunt yourself with when you can't sleep in the early hours of the morning, when you're feeling low and in anguish over them and you wish you could tell someone but you're afraid that they'll never understand the why, when or how.

It's amazing the power that other people's opinions have on us. Even those people who claim they don't care what people think. Deep down I think they do and they only say they don't to cover up that fact. Given the option to reveal things anonymously however can give people the courage to let go of the things that taunt them or they're just to shy to admit. I wonder how many people a year send anonymous valentines to their secret loves?

Frank has been giving people the opportunity of anonymous relief from their secrets for almost 5 years now. Secret bearers can mail him a postcard bearing their secret, Frank then lovingly scans these cards and posts them on his blog every Sunday for the rest of the web community to see. Whilst it might seem like an odd thing to do I can see why people would do it. The feeling of immense relief people must get from releasing their secrets knowing that they remain anonymous and the chances of it ever being recognised by people they know are so small.

There are secrets that I've read on the blog however that tug on my heart strings and I dearly wish that I could tell them that things will be alright or give them a hug. This is where the problem of being anonymous rears it's head. The anonymity gives you the guts to share and the relief but it doesn't give you the forgiveness or understanding that you wished for.

That's what's nice about this blog. I have anonymity and familiarity both at the same time. I'm anonymous to those who do not know I have this blog but familiar to those who I let in (hello honey ;) ). I've never been very good at expressing my feelings and sensitive thoughts out loud. I'm a bottler and take years to build up confidences with people. I've always been shy and found it hard to say what I'm really thinking and I ponder what I'll say when I do come out with something. I psyche myself up for hours before I have to make a phone call and if I can find any other way to communicate I will preferably if it involves a computer. There is something about writing in printed type which is therapeutic to me. I think it's because if I do something wrong then I can go back and undo it. Once something is said then it can't be undone. There are things I put down in words in this blog that I know I could never express out loud and knowing that I can write it here and someone else close to me will read is nerve-racking but also at the same time so peaceful.

The idea of postcard secrets does appeal to me. The thought of setting something free for the world to see without anyone ever knowing it was me makes my heart flutter but for now I think I'll stick to sharing them with you ;) .

Money, Money, Money

As I write this my incredibly sexy other half is serenading me with the hits of ABBA. He's entertaining himself while he works. There have been points where I wondered if he'd injured himself and I should go to his aid but on the whole it's quite tuneful!

Still at least he's earning his crust. I wish I was. I've been looking on facebook a lot this week which is probably a bad idea not only because it's an incredibly good distraction but also because it's back to school week. Nice for all those mums and dads out their who've finally got shot of their kids till October half term however not so nice for me. It's good for job prospects I mean I can't get a job as a teaching assistant if the school's aren't open but not so good for self-esteem. If I'd not gotten stressed and failed my placement and some because of it then I'd have graduated from my PGCE course this July and I may well have had a job by now. Instead I have to read all of my friends statuses and wall posts saying how they're tired but having fun. I can't but give a deep sigh and wonder what life would be like if I had been able to carry on.

But I didn't. In a way I feel more free but trapped at the same time. It's an odd feeling. I'm glad that I stopped when I did because I know that I was heading for self destruct but now I put the teaching on pause I'm not quite sure what I want to do. It's been such a big part of my life that it's hard to think of other things to fill the space with. I feels a bit like having been in a car accident and having to learn to walk again. You wonder if you'll be able to walk or to drive again or if you want to or whether you'll have to find another way to get about but you're not sure whether you can cycle or use the bus because you've never tried and it's been a long time since you rode a bicycle.

I wanted to try and do something with my ICT skills. I'm quite creative and my computer is like a 5th limb to me but all the jobs I seem to find want me to have experience or qualifications and I haven't done any formal exams relating to ICT since I was at school. I don't really want to retrain. I've spent 3 years doing a degree I want some life experience now. If anyone's got any smart ideas I'd love to hear them.

Loosing something you never had

I've felt quite down today. It's probably the hormones. Aunty Flo has arrived today. She's caused a lot of angst this month to the point of forcing me to take a test last night to check if she'd gone on a 9 month vacation. The test said no she hadn't but I was anxious why she'd not shown any signs of arrival. Both my OH and myself sat anxiously in the bathroom for what felt like the longest 2 minutes of my life.

I'd spent all of the weekend umming and arring about taking the test and what on earth we were going to do if it came out positive. I have no money and no home to call my own, me and my OH aren't even engaged and I'd hoped that I'd be married if such an event occurred. I was so afraid of what might be. But secretly I was also fantasising, imaging what I'd look like with a bump, the clothes I'd buy for them, bathing them, feeding them, playing games and being a family. So whilst I breathed a sigh of relief when it turned negative I also felt quite disappointed and like I'd missed out on something very special.

It feels lately like I haven't had many special things happen to me (except my OH who is my rock). I've had one really rough year. I left my PGCE course in April after suffering  from what I think was a major bought of depression and stress. I've got the opportunity to go back in January and finish it off but I'm just not sure that I'm ready to. Instead I'm looking for jobs as a teaching assistant because I like working in schools and with children and it'll hopefully help me to decide if I want to carry on trying to be a teacher, do something else, or maybe just carry on being a TA. So far I've had interviews but no job offers, I've got less money than when I was a student which seems a bit of an oxymoron really. I like to know where I'm going and what I'm doing so not knowing what I'll be doing in 6 months time let alone 9 or 12 is killing me. I'm going to go an get job seekers soon. I've resisted till now out  of cowardice. I hate form filling and I hate asking for things especially if I feel I don't deserve them.

In a way I feel a little gutted that the test did come back negative. In those few days I had my next 9 months planned. They would have been hard but I'd have had something to show for them and something to do. I'd have a purpose. I think ever since I was old enough to contemplate having children I've wanted them (not as in being a teen mum or anything... always when I felt ready) and I've sort of had this mental map of how my life would look and it looks nothing like how my life is now and I wonder if it ever will. I know it probably won't ever and it's probably completely unrealistic but I'd love it if some part of it were true at least.

Easy like Sunday...yawning

Today has been pretty leisurely and laid back again. We've been continuing our Star Wars fest with a sprinkling of Juno (one of the best films ever in my opinion) and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind for a little variety.

I don't know whether it's just me or whether other people feel it too but for me Sunday's have this unnerving feeling about them. I think it's because they mark the end of the weekend and the return to the work day grind (well it would if I had a job. At the moment it represents going back to the newspaper to trawl the ads, watching re-runs of danger mouse and developing a slightly scary obsession with talk shows (Nothing beats a bit of Jeremy Kyle to set you up for the rest of the day). Have you ever noticed how the hands on the clock seem to turn quicker on a Sunday? I think that they must know that the weekend's nearly over and decide to trickle away faster like the last few grains of sand in an hour glass.

Maybe I don't like Sundays because it means I've got to wait another 6 days to spend the whole day with my OH. It's nice staying with him and seeing more of him but it can get a little lonely when he's at work. I know I have jobs to look for and a million things to entertain me but somehow they're not as good as being able to snuggle up to him with my head on his chest listening to both our hearts beating as one (yes I know very mushy but I'm allowed to be it's my blog and I'm in love!).

This weekend seems to have gone alarmingly quickly and has been accompanied by a lot of frowns and worried thoughts and discussions. I'm not up to telling anything just yet. I need to get my head around what I want to do about the situation first and how I feel. 

Having one Hellboy of a weekend

Today I've been a little lazy. I spent most of the day in my PJ's either sending up the Z's or snuggled up with the one I love getting an education in using the force...yes I've been sucked in to the phenomenon that is Star Wars. My OH took me to see the new Clone Wars film the other week and thoroughly confused me because I'd only ever seen episode 4 (what was originally the first film in the trilogy before Mr Lucas made the prequels). We spent the whole journey home plus another 20 mins on the drive with him trying to explain to me who it was I'd seen in the film. I thought it was Luke Skywalker but apparently it was his dad and now he's bad. I was more confused having watched the film and had it explained to me than before I'd watched it! Consequently I made him play the films in chronological order of the storyline. So prequels and then the trilogy. We've just finished watching the 4th one which makes so much more sense now I've watched the prequels and I've banned my OH from telling me how any of the characters are related!

In fact I think I might have become a little bit addicted to them. But shhh don't tell my OH ;)

With our tastebuds wetted from our half marathon of the Wars we went out to meet OH's mates and went and saw Hellboy 2 at the cinema preceded by a very tasty KFC. I can't say I enjoyed it as much as I did the first film. I think it was one of those sequels that didn't really need to be written. A bit like The Mummy 3. That was a complete waste of film reel. For starts they'd replaced Rachel Weiss in the role of Evie (big mistake. If they couldn't get her then they shouldn't have bothered to make the film. Her and Brendan had on screen chemistry). Hellboy didn't really need a number 2. The first one pretty much told the story. Devil boy fights evil and saves the one he loves. It sort of came to a conclusion.

Hmmmm I wonder what other sequels should never have been made?