On the dole again

Again today's blog is incredibly topical. I'm probably beginning to sound like a broken record talking about unemployment but when you've got no money and no job it's hard to positive about the job market.

I had another interview today. It was for a teaching assistant's post. The school was nice and I was feeling rather positive about my interview. I'd asked questions while I was given a tour and I think I asked meaningful ones whilst I was being interviewed. This time round I got to meet the competition. We were given a group tour. I was up against 2 women both of whom were older than me in their late 30's and early to mid 40's. One was the mother of one of the boys at the school and the other already a TA at another school. A real mixed bag. I felt a little like the experienced TA was favoured a little more on our tour. The person giving us the tour focused most of her dialogue towards her. I was the only one to ask questions on the tour.

Unfortunately I wasn't successful which made me rather down. This was mainly because they gave me feedback and part of that was about how I'd handled questions about me leaving a course I was on. That's a bit of an open wound subject with me still as the reasons surrounding it were the reasons for my stress and depression. Getting a job is supposed to be helping me to mend and to conquer it but at the moment it feels like the depression is what's holding me back from getting a job because it's putting employers off of me.

Having been crumpled by the discovery that I'd failed to get the job I decided to try and cheer myself up by popping my laptop on a looking for something to distract myself only to discover from the news feed on my OH's website¹ that unemployment has risen again in the U.K.² Just what I need. More people going after the jobs I want. It's hard enough loosing out to the few people I have come up against. Although apparently I have a very good application to interview ratio. It's practically 1/2. All I need to do now is work on the interview to job offer ratio.

Apparently the number of people claiming job seeker's has gone up 32,500 to 904,900². It's 904,901 in actuality at least as I'm unemployed but I've not claimed job seeker's yet. I bet there are tons more people out there like me as well. Maybe they should give jobs out on a first come first serve basis. I've got to be further up the queue than the 32,500 who've just joined. Although I don't fancy being number 872,401 in the queue!

 

Oh and happy birthday OH ;)

 

 

1. He has his own little portal site which is very useful indeed. Add it to your favourites if you like and if you spot a site that's not up on there give us a bell and I'll get him to add it!http://homepage.ntlworld.com/r.acton4/
2. BBC NEWS | Business | UK unemployment total rises again

Money, Money, Money

As I write this my incredibly sexy other half is serenading me with the hits of ABBA. He's entertaining himself while he works. There have been points where I wondered if he'd injured himself and I should go to his aid but on the whole it's quite tuneful!

Still at least he's earning his crust. I wish I was. I've been looking on facebook a lot this week which is probably a bad idea not only because it's an incredibly good distraction but also because it's back to school week. Nice for all those mums and dads out their who've finally got shot of their kids till October half term however not so nice for me. It's good for job prospects I mean I can't get a job as a teaching assistant if the school's aren't open but not so good for self-esteem. If I'd not gotten stressed and failed my placement and some because of it then I'd have graduated from my PGCE course this July and I may well have had a job by now. Instead I have to read all of my friends statuses and wall posts saying how they're tired but having fun. I can't but give a deep sigh and wonder what life would be like if I had been able to carry on.

But I didn't. In a way I feel more free but trapped at the same time. It's an odd feeling. I'm glad that I stopped when I did because I know that I was heading for self destruct but now I put the teaching on pause I'm not quite sure what I want to do. It's been such a big part of my life that it's hard to think of other things to fill the space with. I feels a bit like having been in a car accident and having to learn to walk again. You wonder if you'll be able to walk or to drive again or if you want to or whether you'll have to find another way to get about but you're not sure whether you can cycle or use the bus because you've never tried and it's been a long time since you rode a bicycle.

I wanted to try and do something with my ICT skills. I'm quite creative and my computer is like a 5th limb to me but all the jobs I seem to find want me to have experience or qualifications and I haven't done any formal exams relating to ICT since I was at school. I don't really want to retrain. I've spent 3 years doing a degree I want some life experience now. If anyone's got any smart ideas I'd love to hear them.

Loosing something you never had

I've felt quite down today. It's probably the hormones. Aunty Flo has arrived today. She's caused a lot of angst this month to the point of forcing me to take a test last night to check if she'd gone on a 9 month vacation. The test said no she hadn't but I was anxious why she'd not shown any signs of arrival. Both my OH and myself sat anxiously in the bathroom for what felt like the longest 2 minutes of my life.

I'd spent all of the weekend umming and arring about taking the test and what on earth we were going to do if it came out positive. I have no money and no home to call my own, me and my OH aren't even engaged and I'd hoped that I'd be married if such an event occurred. I was so afraid of what might be. But secretly I was also fantasising, imaging what I'd look like with a bump, the clothes I'd buy for them, bathing them, feeding them, playing games and being a family. So whilst I breathed a sigh of relief when it turned negative I also felt quite disappointed and like I'd missed out on something very special.

It feels lately like I haven't had many special things happen to me (except my OH who is my rock). I've had one really rough year. I left my PGCE course in April after suffering  from what I think was a major bought of depression and stress. I've got the opportunity to go back in January and finish it off but I'm just not sure that I'm ready to. Instead I'm looking for jobs as a teaching assistant because I like working in schools and with children and it'll hopefully help me to decide if I want to carry on trying to be a teacher, do something else, or maybe just carry on being a TA. So far I've had interviews but no job offers, I've got less money than when I was a student which seems a bit of an oxymoron really. I like to know where I'm going and what I'm doing so not knowing what I'll be doing in 6 months time let alone 9 or 12 is killing me. I'm going to go an get job seekers soon. I've resisted till now out  of cowardice. I hate form filling and I hate asking for things especially if I feel I don't deserve them.

In a way I feel a little gutted that the test did come back negative. In those few days I had my next 9 months planned. They would have been hard but I'd have had something to show for them and something to do. I'd have a purpose. I think ever since I was old enough to contemplate having children I've wanted them (not as in being a teen mum or anything... always when I felt ready) and I've sort of had this mental map of how my life would look and it looks nothing like how my life is now and I wonder if it ever will. I know it probably won't ever and it's probably completely unrealistic but I'd love it if some part of it were true at least.