Dyscalculia a barrier to success?

I took my driving test yesterday.

I failed.

If coping with the failure wasn't difficult enough then dealing with the anger of being so close to pass was harder still. I had 6 minors, 6! That's hardly anything and they were just that, minors. The odd harsh break or fumbling for a gear. Nothing which could be considered to unsafe.

No the thing that caused me to fail was going up the kerb slightly whilst going forward to correct my reverse round a corner to the left. If i'd not gone up the kerb then my maneouver would have been fine, perhaps a minor for my positioning but that wouldn't have been a problem as even 7 minors is a good pass (you can have up to 15).

The most frustrating thing is that I know that no matter how many times I practice that maneouver it will never be good. You see I have dyscalculia. It's never been professionally diagnosed but my sister has dyslexia and they're closely linked. I never had the luxury of being tested in school, nobody had heard of the disorder, they were only just coming to terms with dyslexia.

Having dyscalculia means that I have trouble with mathematical concepts as well as other not so obvious mathemathical things. For example I find it hard to tell the time on an analogue clock. I cannot rotate things which made it very difficult to telll how far I was turning the steering wheel. I also find it difficult to know left from right so I spent a number of weeks with my instructor yelling directions at me and flinging his arms out to show me which direction I should go in. I struggle to judge distance too so i'm fearful when they ask me to pull up one car length away from the car in front or stay a metre away from the kerb.

I battle with it in my job too. I'm a teaching assistant so I spend at least 5 hours a week doing maths with the children. The majority of the time they will get the answer before I do which breaks my heart because they're 9 and i'm 23. I don't know many of my multiplication tables because unlike most children I was unable to learn they by rote. Instead i'm left with the leftovers of what I can remember either because it's simple addition e.g. 2x is the number added to itself or 10x because you just add a 0 on the end of the number.

I try so hard everyday to battle my disability, yes it is a disability. It doesn't stop me from doing things but it sure as help makes them tricky. If people knew how hard it was then they probably wouldn't taunt me as much as they do or make off hand remarks about it.

So i'm sat here this afternoon feeling very angry and frustrated because I know deep down that had it not been for the fact that I have trouble judging where my car is in relation to the kerb then I wouldn't have failed. Had my dyscalculia not clouded how I see things then I could be out this afternoon feeling the wind rush though my hair as I drive round the coast roads.

I don't want to put all the blame on my disorder but i've tried so many things to stop it getting in the way. I practised for hours on the end of the bed physically going through the maneouver, how many turns of the wheel, where to look, when to move, when to stop. I practised it in the car. We made marks in the car for me to look at and still I managed to get it wrong. What else left is there for me blame but the disorder.

But I don't want to. Blaming the disorder won't do me any good whatsoever. The disorder isn't going to make me pass the next test. I am.

I've got another test booked now. 4th October. That's over 2 months away now which is so frustrating as I'm ready now. What's really annoying is that it's also the date they include something new in the test. Something the dyscalculate part of my brain won't like. Independent Driving.

Independent driving involves spending 10 mins of the test following a list of several instructions the examiner has given you rather than one instruction at a time, or following roadsigns and markings to a particular place. Apparently the examiner can give you a diagram or map of the route too. This fills me with dread. Why? you might ask, isn't this just like the driving you'll be doing when you pass? Yes it is but not under test pressure and when I pass I intend to get a Sat Nav to help me with directions as i've already said I struggle with them and the roadsigns aren't as much help as they could be as the picture doesn't match what I see in reality in my opinion. So they idea that when I next take my test i'll have even more to contend with is not really making me feel better about failing this one.

I also have the problem of organising time off as it's not in the school holidays. They're quite picky about letting you have time out of the school day. Will have to try and twist their arms.

So there you have it Dyscalculia is so much more than a word, it's like a life sentence and people who deal with it everyday should be given a medal for bravery as you non-suffers have no idea the pain we go through just to survive the day.