What should I blog about

Have you ever done something and then wish you hadn't? My guess is that you're probably nodding right now and thinking ' yes and far too many times too'.

When I'm stuck for something to write I go on a little trawl of the interweb to search for what other people have blogged about or what they think are good topics to blog on. Unfortunately I came across a blog post ¹ about all the things that it's not good to blog about! Or maybe it's fortunate I don't know. Apparently I'm not supposed to give and hourly account of my day; blog about my pets; or my dislike of my future in-laws (I actually love them to bits so that's not a problem); complain about the lack of comments on my blog or apologise for being too busy to blog.

I'm probably guilty of at least 3 of those. I'll let you guess which 3 they are but you're you probably know already. Not that I know you're reading as you never comment (oops I've broken rule number 4 again!). Personally I don't really care. I mean my blog is for me primarily if I want to tell you what my goldfish has eaten today then I should be allowed to. If someone wants to read what I've posted and likes what I've written then fine and I'm glad they've liked reading it too but I'm not going to make my blog about what everyone else wants to hear otherwise it'll just bore me and If I'm bored then everyone else definitely will be. Of course that doesn't stop me being vain and  secretly wanting to be read.  Deep down everyone wants to be heard.

 

1. http://weblogtoolscollection.com/archives/2006/12/17/things-you-should-avoid-blogging-about/

Seeing past the obstacles

The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity.  The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

- Winston Churchill

I've always considered myself to be a pessimist, a glass half empty kind of girl. After all if you think you're going to fail and you don't then you have a pleasant surprise. Hope to much that you'll succeed and the plunge to failure feels a lot further. But reading that quote has made me think. I've overcome many obstacles in my life to get where I am today and I'm sure that I'll hurdle a few more before my innings are up. The thing that struck me though is that though I complain and wonder if I'll ever get there or that I'll fail I never give up. It was a quality that probably did me a little too much harm to me than I should have let it when I was stressed and depressed. It brought me to cracking point and I only stopped when my body physically wouldn't let me keep going.

Whilst getting over my depression and stress is the most traumatic and probably the hardest of my obstacles I've tackled (and I'm still tackling) the longest obstacle I've had to face is without doubt my problems with maths. I sat through a lecture last year about learning difficulties and maths and was dumbstruck at the length of time it has taken those who work in the education sector to work out that people can have genuine difficulties with maths and don't just need to "try harder"¹. She commented on how it wasn't acceptable for people to admit they were bad at English or couldn't read, that nowadays people could have all sorts of tests and help to make sure that they did fall victim to dyslexia and illiteracy but it society thinks that it's absolutely fine for you to admit that you're not any good with numbers. She was of course making the point that it wasn't O.K. for people to be allowed to accept this and allowing them to was allowing our children to slip through the net and I quite agree.

I've had hundreds of people tell me that they're not any good at maths and I'm sure that a fair few of them were probably reasonably O.K. and that they just lacked confidence but I never doubted their sincerity. To me not being good at maths seemed like a fact of life. It's not simply a lack of confidence with me. I genuinely cannot grasp the concepts of math. I cannot even add simple numbers together like 7+3 and come up with an answer off the top of my head. I have to count on. Times Tables are a complete puzzle to me. I tried my best to learn them by rote but nothing stuck. I can do my 1, 5 and 10 times and that's what gets me by in life. And it's not just numbers. I struggle to read analogue clocks; I can't divide cake into equal slices; I don't know my left from my right half the time (driving lessons are fun!); map reading is lost on me as my sense of direction is pants (I get lost simply by walking inside a shop and coming out again); I struggle to read bus and train timetables.

It wasn't until a few years ago, once I'd persevered through primary school, secondary school, 6th form and 2 years of a university degree that I discovered that my difficulties had a name. I could be dyscalculic. In basic terms dyscalculia is the maths equivalent of being dyslexic. I've never been tested and I doubt I ever will be². Part of me would love to be tested simply so I had a piece of paper which I could flaunt in front of the eyes of all those people who told me to try harder and didn't believe that I wasn't any good at maths but at the same time I'm happy just to know in my heart of hearts that it wasn't all my fault that I was bad at maths it was just that my brain isn't mapped out that way and to be thankful that I have all these things that I can do and do so much better than those maths geeks I know who taunted me in school.

I've since joined a wonderful forum of like-minded people that have proved to me that no matter what obstacles life throws at you, you can overcome them if you choose to.

If you're reading this and thinking OMG that sounds like me then I suggest you try googling dyscalculia and see if it fits what you experience and if you want to join a forum I can highly recommend the dyscalculia forum they have members from all over the world and they can help you find information about help in your area.

1. I get so angry when people say I should just try harder. Sometimes no matter how hard you try things are impossible.
2. In the U.K. testing for learning difficulties normally takes place when a person is studying and as I am no longer in the education system I do not have that option

Two kinds of secret

“There are two kinds of secrets: Those we keep from others, and those we hide from ourselves”

-Frank Warren Postsecret.com

Everyone has secrets. Whether they're big or small, bad or good. We have them. Whether we're keeping them to spare feelings to spare our own feelings or others,trying to save our bacon or simply keeping something so it'll be a surprise. We all do it.

There's something profound in Frank's quote. It's not said aloud and I don't think it has to be but I get the sense that he is trying to say that the secrets that we keep that we daren't tell another soul let alone think about ourselves are the ones that may well do the most damage. The one's that you taunt yourself with when you can't sleep in the early hours of the morning, when you're feeling low and in anguish over them and you wish you could tell someone but you're afraid that they'll never understand the why, when or how.

It's amazing the power that other people's opinions have on us. Even those people who claim they don't care what people think. Deep down I think they do and they only say they don't to cover up that fact. Given the option to reveal things anonymously however can give people the courage to let go of the things that taunt them or they're just to shy to admit. I wonder how many people a year send anonymous valentines to their secret loves?

Frank has been giving people the opportunity of anonymous relief from their secrets for almost 5 years now. Secret bearers can mail him a postcard bearing their secret, Frank then lovingly scans these cards and posts them on his blog every Sunday for the rest of the web community to see. Whilst it might seem like an odd thing to do I can see why people would do it. The feeling of immense relief people must get from releasing their secrets knowing that they remain anonymous and the chances of it ever being recognised by people they know are so small.

There are secrets that I've read on the blog however that tug on my heart strings and I dearly wish that I could tell them that things will be alright or give them a hug. This is where the problem of being anonymous rears it's head. The anonymity gives you the guts to share and the relief but it doesn't give you the forgiveness or understanding that you wished for.

That's what's nice about this blog. I have anonymity and familiarity both at the same time. I'm anonymous to those who do not know I have this blog but familiar to those who I let in (hello honey ;) ). I've never been very good at expressing my feelings and sensitive thoughts out loud. I'm a bottler and take years to build up confidences with people. I've always been shy and found it hard to say what I'm really thinking and I ponder what I'll say when I do come out with something. I psyche myself up for hours before I have to make a phone call and if I can find any other way to communicate I will preferably if it involves a computer. There is something about writing in printed type which is therapeutic to me. I think it's because if I do something wrong then I can go back and undo it. Once something is said then it can't be undone. There are things I put down in words in this blog that I know I could never express out loud and knowing that I can write it here and someone else close to me will read is nerve-racking but also at the same time so peaceful.

The idea of postcard secrets does appeal to me. The thought of setting something free for the world to see without anyone ever knowing it was me makes my heart flutter but for now I think I'll stick to sharing them with you ;) .

Money, Money, Money

As I write this my incredibly sexy other half is serenading me with the hits of ABBA. He's entertaining himself while he works. There have been points where I wondered if he'd injured himself and I should go to his aid but on the whole it's quite tuneful!

Still at least he's earning his crust. I wish I was. I've been looking on facebook a lot this week which is probably a bad idea not only because it's an incredibly good distraction but also because it's back to school week. Nice for all those mums and dads out their who've finally got shot of their kids till October half term however not so nice for me. It's good for job prospects I mean I can't get a job as a teaching assistant if the school's aren't open but not so good for self-esteem. If I'd not gotten stressed and failed my placement and some because of it then I'd have graduated from my PGCE course this July and I may well have had a job by now. Instead I have to read all of my friends statuses and wall posts saying how they're tired but having fun. I can't but give a deep sigh and wonder what life would be like if I had been able to carry on.

But I didn't. In a way I feel more free but trapped at the same time. It's an odd feeling. I'm glad that I stopped when I did because I know that I was heading for self destruct but now I put the teaching on pause I'm not quite sure what I want to do. It's been such a big part of my life that it's hard to think of other things to fill the space with. I feels a bit like having been in a car accident and having to learn to walk again. You wonder if you'll be able to walk or to drive again or if you want to or whether you'll have to find another way to get about but you're not sure whether you can cycle or use the bus because you've never tried and it's been a long time since you rode a bicycle.

I wanted to try and do something with my ICT skills. I'm quite creative and my computer is like a 5th limb to me but all the jobs I seem to find want me to have experience or qualifications and I haven't done any formal exams relating to ICT since I was at school. I don't really want to retrain. I've spent 3 years doing a degree I want some life experience now. If anyone's got any smart ideas I'd love to hear them.