Back to Black

Feeling totally shit today. OH is away on a training course in London till Thursday night so i'm on my own.

I'm alone and I'm really feeling it. I know that he'll be back in a few days but I doubt the feeling will disappear. It's not just a feeling of being on my own momentarily, it's a lifetime of lonleness. It's been there for a long long time way before I was with the OH. It's the feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I watch normal people happy and smiley and chattering away to each other, like a lunchtimes, while I sit there in silence having tried to join in and make them smile like others do and all I seem to get in conversation is niceties. "How are you?" "Fine, you?" "fine" *silence*. It's the feeling I get when the OH's father shouts at me for opening the dishwasher door when it was on accidently. It's the fear that whatever I say or do will somehow be ridiculed or won't be good enough. The knowing that somehow i'm not meant to be happy, that my life is meant to be full of gloom. The certainty that when I want someone to notice how down I am and that I need a hug, to just be held and them not care or need to know why will never happen. For example this evening my dad texted to say my gran's phone is now up and working at her rest home. I texted back saying o.k i'll try and ring her tomorrow and asked him how he was. Then said that my tooth was aching again (I had bad toothache a few weeks back which turned out to be an infection and it needs to come out but as i'm woosy I need to be sedated which needs the proper person so I have to wait). I'd hoped that he'd text back with some sympathy. All I actually got was "O.k. - off to the gym tonight". Nan rang too but she hung up pretty quick as she said I was listening. What was actually happening was I was trying my hardest not to cry so she wouldn't ask why.

That's where the other feeling comes in it's the knowledge that when I'd rather just slip into the dark ether and not be noticed everyone wants to know what's wrong and why i'm so upset. Which is the real grind because the words "i'm depressed" or "everything" don't cut it. Somehow you're not allowed to feel so earth shatteringly down that nothing feels good. "I'm depressed" seems to be code for oh dear we're feeling a little hormonal today or feeling a little sad. If only. I spent years trying to convince my parents that I was depressed. I'm absolutely sure that teenage girls do not cry themselves to sleep nearly every night or dream of ways they can kill themselves because they didn't get an answer right in maths that day. They don't break down in tears when a family friend's daughther and parents talk to their family about how said daughter is having counselling for their depression. How many times did I have to pleed with them that I was depressed before they would acknowledge it. The answer is I still am. Even after i'd had my breakdown in 2008 my mother still refused/refuses to believe that I was depressed as a teenager. I know for a fact that I was. I know I still am now even if they think i'm not.

Today I have no idea why I am depressed. Just that I am and it feels like nothing will cure it. Some may say it's because of my tooth. It may well be but I somehow don't think that is the sum total of the reasons.

I quite often wonder what the point of me being on this earth is because quite obviously I am just a burden to it's fellow occupants. I feel like I don't deserve to be alive. The hardest thing is keeping up the pretense to everyone else that i'm o.k. so they won't worry. What do you tell your nearest and dearest when they ask you if you're o.k or even worse are you happy? How the hell am I meant to answer that? How can you tell the people you love that there are some days where no matter how many people you have surrounding you, you feel completely alone or that some days you wish that you weren't here anymore. That happiness is just a fleeting glint or that you're both not happy and happy at the same time because if you say you're not then they assume you don't like or love them anymore and there is some great crisis or they're causing your pain but if you say you're happy then they can either quite obviously see you're not or they just tell you to stop sulking and snap out of the mood then. I desperately want to rid myself of this horrible black dog but I just don't know how. I'd go back to the doctor but I just get the feeling that they'd put me on drugs which I know won't work and I don't want to be on them. The counselling didn't work I just felt ridiculed and belittled by them like I was some silly little girl. I'm worried too if I go back to the doctor that somehow i'll be forced to tell work and that'll be my career over before it's even had chance to get started and that after failing the PGCE that'll be another job I can't do that came close to what I wanted to do. I just feel like what's the point in trying anymore. It's gotten me very little good stuff and mostly heartache.