Party Fever

Today has been a bit of a slow day today for us. I'm nursing a lovely new cold that my OH has decided to give me as a congratulations on your new job present. Needless to say that thoughtful as it was I'd like to swap the gift for something which involves a lot less tissues but I'll keep the TLC. Credit to him though he has been my nurse-maiding me back to health and mopping my fevered brow.

We went out for our usual Saturday cinema session with OH's mates (well I suppose they're mine now too). We saw Tropical Thunder. It had a mixed bag on the review front. I enjoyed it and gym life-partner loved it (he was on his 4th viewing I think). OH on the other hand didn't enjoy it and the other mate was undecided. I think though that we were all in agreement about enjoying the TGI Fridays we had for tea to celebrate my new job. That was yummy!

Aspirational Goldfish

Ever since I got my job offer and I've been prepping for work next week I've been thinking about the future. There are certain things I think you start to think about at particular times in your life. Mine so far have been a place of my own to life in with my OH, children but before all that a job. Now I have a job I can move onto the other things. I don't think I'm quite ready for children just yet and we haven't really accrued enough money yet to buy somewhere (we could start thinking about renting though). OH's mum made us smile this morning (well me this evening when OH told me). She suggested now I had a job that we might want to get a double bed! So it's not just me that's thinking ahead. Oh course the logistics of that are a little tricky considering the rooms we inhabit but the idea does sound very inviting.

I on the other hand have been going down the adding to the family numbers route. Whilst children are off the menu for now a pet would be quite nice. We can't really get a cat or a dog or something small and furry as there isn't really room or time for them and some family members have an aversion to certain animals. When I was in town the other day buying clothes I spotted an aquarium shop and went in to look at the fish. There was a £28 starter kit that included a fish bowl, some weed and food, a net and 2 goldfish. A bargain price I thought. However a fish still needs some looking after, feeding, cleaning out the bowl and such which all cost money on a regular basis. So they've become aspirational fish. Ones which I will buy when I have more money to burn and a better place to keep them. Instead for now I've set my sight on some sea monkeys. If you've not heard of them before they're basically little Brine Shrimp. They cost less than £20 and live for 2 years and come with a packet of food that's meant to last a year. So that's a pet that'll cost you £20 for one year plus about £1 a year to feed them once the first year's food runs out. I've had them before and not been as successful as I would have liked but I think I've learned from my success so I'm hoping if I do get some then I'll become a sea monkey expert. I'll make a mother of me yet!

Things are on the up!

Today has been a new experience for me. I went into work to sort out all my details before I start work. Nerve-racking at first but then I just relaxed and I feel like I'm going to enjoy it here as long as I don't let my shyness take a hold.

I'm going to make an effort to try and talk to as many people as possible in the first few days and be as sociable as possible. I was getting really excited when I was reading about school discos and when holidays were and things. The one thing that bugged me when I was on placements was that I was never around to do those things. If there was a school trip then it was the week after I left, if there was a disco or some kind of after school event or weekend thing like a fete then I couldn't go because the taxi picked me up at a certain time and so I wouldn't be there and the school was very often miles away from home so I couldn't just pop back or make my own way (the taxi fare to one of my last schools was £100 a journey because they had to go so far out they expected the return fare as well as taking you out there because they were unlikely to get a return fare).

It'll be nice to be able to say oh I can stay and do a shift on the book fare or do you need people to do refreshments at the disco. I'll feel like part of a team rather than a spare wheel who doesn't know anyone or anything about the area. I'm not too familiar with the area at the moment but I think I know a fair bit compared to placement schools where I spent a month and didn't see outside the school walls.

The best bit of this is that I'll still be working in schools. Back in April/May time I thought that my life wasn't going to amount to much and that because I couldn't continue my PGCE I wouldn't stand a chance of getting to work in a school. Looks like things are on the up.

Shop till you drop

Today I've been out spending the money I just received from my deposit on the house I was renting while at Uni. I've had to have the cheque sent to me twice now since the first one was lost by my ever so organised parents. Mum opened it first and put it in a "safe place" then dad picked it up and mum told him not to loose it and to put it somewhere safe. Only problem was dad's somewhere safes are usually pretty forgettable so he couldn't remember where he'd put it. They turned the whole house upside down looking for it. In the end I was forced to phone the landlady up and ask for her to cancel the cheque and re-send another. Then I made parents promise to put the cheque in an envelope and mail it as soon as it touched their eager little palms.

Anyway, Said cheque has now paid for 4 new tops and 2 new pairs of trousers ready for work on Monday morning. I'd only got my 2 interview outfits with me which wasn't a very good wardrobe and as I can't go back to pick some more things up until next Friday I sort of needed to buy a few things to keep me going. Plus it was a nice treat for all the hard work applying for jobs. I also bought myself a lunch box and a new pencil case and pens and pencils. It feels a bit like the first day at school (well it is I suppose!). I'm getting nervous now. I'm going in tomorrow to sort out contract and things like that and also to sort out which bus routes I'm using to get to work.

I'm knackered now from all the shopping I've done. You wouldn't think that it would take so much out of you but I spent a good hour in one shop trying on outfits. OH, his gym "life-partner" and I went out for a drink after work which was most unexpected as they were supposed to be going to the gym but chose to give me a celebratory drink instead (any old excuse!). It was nice being able to sit and unwind and I'm looking forward to doing that having had a hard days work next week. I think I'll appreciate the evenings more now. Then OH and I decided to be naughty and go for a Chinese takeaway. I had to look for one in the yellow pages on my phone though. You would have thought that having lived here since the early 70's that my other half would know where there was a Chinese takeaway but he apparently doesn't despite his love of them *sigh*.

I've got a job!

I'm in complete shock at the moment. I finally have a job! It almost doesn't feel real. I can't wait to start though. From the website and the tour I had today it looks like a really great place to work. Although now that the interview nerves and shock of the job offer have worn off I'm getting a little bit nervous about my first day and my very first proper job.

I have to say it was a real good buzz being able to ring people up and tell them the good news. Especially my parents. I've had to wait until 8pm to tell my mum as she's been at work all day and I swore my dad to secrecy. When I said hello I think she thought I'd not got it and so she was gearing up to keep me bolstered for the interview I was due to have on Thursday. But then I shouted "I got it!" and I think she was genuinely shocked, surprised and happy for me.

Speaking of the interview on Thursday. I rang them up before my interview this afternoon to say that I would be attending and then had to phone them back and apologise and say that I was now unable to attend.

All those hours of filling in boxes have finally paid off and I'm glad because it was starting to grind me down. I know that the positions I had gone for before weren't entirely ideal for my set of experience so I'm glad to know that when I finally did get a go at one that fitted the bill that I got it. So if anyone out there wants some encouragement that you can get a job then I'm in a good mood to give some uplifting advice. Keep chipping away and you'll get there eventually.

Secretly I think my job success was down to practicing my teacher voice on OH last night! ;). Oh and the wonderful reference one of my previous employers/friends wrote for me (I think she was beginning to wonder if she'd ever get asked for one).

I've had some celebratory Krispy Kreme Donuts and a bunch of flowers from my OH (isn't he sweet :) ) but I plan on something a little bigger at the weekend.

Do you have a teacher voice?

Today's post is a little short owing to me having a job interview tomorrow and spending most of the day and this evening trying to prepare for that. It's a job I'd really like, good location, school looks good too and it's the age range I'd like to work with so I'm keeping all my limbs crossed for it and working supper hard to be prepped ready for it.

Luckily my cold symptoms seem to have worn off now so I won't be lurgified tomorrow at my interview. My OH's on the other hand are still there. He's croaky and grouchy. The grouchiness forced me to use my teacher voice on him earlier because he got all crabby with his new Star Wars game and me because he said I was saying it was easy. Co-incidentally if anyone knows how to get past the Raxus Prime level on Playstation 3 where you have to defeat that mini boss robot then please leave a comment (and don't say it's easy otherwise I might have to use my teacher voice on you- it's not pretty!). He must have played that level a million times now. He got past the boss at one point but then fell off the bridge and got very cross (hence me needing my teacher voice).

Everyone always asked me when I was training if I had a teacher voice/stare and I said yes but I can only do/make it work when I really need it. Suffice to say that I think my OH learned how scary it was the hard way!

Sunday catch-up

Today has been a catch up day. Since we spent most of yesterday in London, we'd not watched all our usual programs on Friday and we were both nursing a cold. Although OH more so than me but isn't that the way with men!

He let me lay in till almost 12 after promising me he'd wake me up when he got up. Although I was thankful he left it till 9am before he came and checked on me this time as he'd apparently woken up somewhere around 6.30ish (eek! and on a Sunday as well). I was feeling a big dog-eared and fancy laying on a little longer so said to come get me at 10 at the latest. Unfortunately he got distracted and then fell asleep so was a few hours late on that promise. I forgave him though because he was a poorly little bunny.

Tonight is Charley night (No it's not the night we casually entertain the idea of taking drugs). Charley Boorman  (sans Ewan McGregor *sob sob*)  has set off on another one of his expeditions around the world. This time he's doing it "By Any Means". Charley and his team are trying to use as many different modes of transport to get from the U.K to Australia as possible. Although I'm not so sure that their is much difference between sleeper train in Iran and a sleeper train in India so I'm deducting them brownie points for just adding a country in front of it! This week's episode saw Mungo the cameraman injure his knee. I seem to be seeing a lot of knee injuries this week. Last weekend my sister managed to damage her knee blackberry picking. I know blackberry picking! It doesn't sound very dangerous does it! But my sister can make any activity into an extreme sport when it comes to injuries!

Then having watched all there was to watch on live television we scowered the watch again service and found a programme called something along the lines of world's strictest parents. It was about supposedly unruly teens getting shipped off to a new family for a week who were supposed to turn them into cherubs again with their strict parenting. Personally I didn't think the kids were that unruly and what they needed was for their parents to sit down and listen to them and in some case get them some counselling. Their were 2 teenagers. One 16 year old girl whose parents had broken up and a gay lad who seemed to be going on some sort of anger rampage. Both from what I could deduce were angry because they couldn't express themselves. The girl was feeling like she couldn't trust anyone because her parents had broken her trust and the lad was venting his anger all the anger he had from being taunted about being gay at his nearest and dearest who had given him their full support. At first I thought it was going to be a little bit like wife swap when the family they'd chosen to take on the troubled teens turned out to be a strict Christian family in America. I had visions of the father and then gay teen coming to blows over his sexuality. They did come to blows but not over that and by the end of the programme I was left feeling that the American Christians weren't as bad as I thought they were going to be. They actually genuinely cared about the teens.

Exterminate Exterminate!

Today I got up at the unearthly hour of 5.30. Rather too early for a Saturday morning if I do say so myself. I hopped on a coach with 2 diseased men (don't worry I did it of my own free will and they happened to be my OH and his mate¹) and headed for London. Our goal for today was to go and see the Dr Who exhibition at Earls Court before it closed down. We'd already had one near miss the weekend before and had had a reprieve (it was supposed to close on the 17th). We'd been told by friends that we'd LOVE it and we should definitely go and see it before it closed.

Our friends were spot on. I felt a bit like a kid in a candy shop cooing over all the models and costumes and even gave in to the temptation to impersonate a Dalek! They had a little Dalek with a microphone inside that kids could stick their heads in a Dalek and wiggle the plunger and egg whisk whilst shouting exterminate into the voice changer. I made it laugh manically like that deranged Dalek in this year's season finally whilst my other half made it order a Big Mac and fries. By far the funniest though was the bloke who swept his kids aside stuck his head in the Dalek and went "exterminate, exterminate!... Wow I'm talking like a Dalek... hehehe!" He was most definitely taking the opportunity to embrace his inner child. Sadly his children didn't see it that way and were giving him that look that all children with embarrassing parents do. The one that says dad will you stop being an a*se you're embarrassing us!

I also loved the fact that when we walked back to Earls Court Tube there was a real life police box waiting for us! I went all touristy then and we had to have a picture next to it!

The exhibition's on until 9th November so if you want to go then hurry up: Book now to avoid disappointment 

1.That's mate of the friend persuasion not lover before you go getting any funny ideas. Although I have given him the nickname of "gym life-partner" given that they have joint membership (it was cheaper so why not?!)

Yargh the force be unleashed

As I blog my OH is sitting next to me playing happily on his new game for Playstation 3. He's spent the last week playing the demo of Stars Wars: The force Unleashed and pining for the full version. Luckily it was his birthday the other day so one of this mates (with a little help and hinting from me) reserved him a copy and gave him a gift voucher towards it.

I have to say it is rather a good game and reviews online were pretty good from the looks of it too. Although my OH now seems to have developed a like for picking people up by their throats and throwing them off the tops of buildings (that's the last time I leave him alone with Mr Vader while I make us a drink!).

Elsewhere in the world this mortal has been coming back up from a pretty depressing low. I won't bore you with the details suffice to say if you read yesterday's blog then you'll know why. One thing that has cheered me up though was spotting on my Zemanta feed that it's International Talk Like a Pirate Day and the people over at facebook have very kindly made facebook ever so piratey!

Gone but not forgotten

Today has been a pretty fraught day today. I awoke feeling gloomy remembering  yesterday's interview and not having gotten the job. I mustered some spirit to switch on the laptop and check for more jobs and to think about filling out the application forms I'd still got to fill in for another job and the interview I have on Tuesday.

I'd just about perked myself up when I got a phone call. It was from one of the school's I'd assumed that the boat had sailed on when it came to interviews. They rang and said that it was really short notice but could I make an interview tomorrow. I paused for a second and said would it be O.k. to phone back only I had to check transportation arrangements. They said yes and said "oh and we'd like you to read a 30 minute story to a group of children you can use your own resources like puppets and things". Flashes of panic went through me and I could feel my blood pressure rising. I should be happy I had another interview right? Well I would be if they'd asked me any other day than today and if they'd given me more time.

I've spent the rest of today stressing over whether or not to say yes to it or not because I felt so under pressure and ill-prepared for it. I ended up saying no because it was hiking my stress levels practically to the same levels that they'd been before I'd had to defer my course. I tried to get myself back on track again by filling out the medical forms so I could get them in the post but that just depressed me further because I have to somehow explain I've been depressed without sounding like I could fall apart at any moment.

As if today couldn't be any more depressing, it marks the date 4 years ago that my granddad passed away.  It's true what some people say about not realising what you've got till it's gone. He's left such a big hole in my life that I just don't know how to fill it. He died the day before I started university. I was packed off on my own to uni where I spent a week trying to cope with grief on my own with no friends. Making friends is hard to do when you're grieving and feel so alone and all you wish is that you could be at home with your family. I don't think I've ever properly had time to grief for him and I never will. Everyone else in my family seems to have moved past where I am and I can't talk to them about it. Especially my Nan. She has a new man now and she seems to be trying to rid her life of all things related to my grandad. What feels worse is that I used to be able to talk to her because she was alone too. We held each other together. But now she seems to have given herself permission not to do that. She told me when I visited her last that I'd told her that she had him now so she didn't need to talk to me as much. I don't ever remember saying that and if I did I never meant it I just wanted her to feel O.k.

I want to know when life is going to be good to me. There were two things that made me feel slightly happier today. My OH because he always makes me smile no matter what and a Post Secret card I found on an archive site that said something along the lines of "every story has a happy ending. If you're not happy yet then it's not the end". I'm keeping my fingers crossed that what they said is true.

On the dole again

Again today's blog is incredibly topical. I'm probably beginning to sound like a broken record talking about unemployment but when you've got no money and no job it's hard to positive about the job market.

I had another interview today. It was for a teaching assistant's post. The school was nice and I was feeling rather positive about my interview. I'd asked questions while I was given a tour and I think I asked meaningful ones whilst I was being interviewed. This time round I got to meet the competition. We were given a group tour. I was up against 2 women both of whom were older than me in their late 30's and early to mid 40's. One was the mother of one of the boys at the school and the other already a TA at another school. A real mixed bag. I felt a little like the experienced TA was favoured a little more on our tour. The person giving us the tour focused most of her dialogue towards her. I was the only one to ask questions on the tour.

Unfortunately I wasn't successful which made me rather down. This was mainly because they gave me feedback and part of that was about how I'd handled questions about me leaving a course I was on. That's a bit of an open wound subject with me still as the reasons surrounding it were the reasons for my stress and depression. Getting a job is supposed to be helping me to mend and to conquer it but at the moment it feels like the depression is what's holding me back from getting a job because it's putting employers off of me.

Having been crumpled by the discovery that I'd failed to get the job I decided to try and cheer myself up by popping my laptop on a looking for something to distract myself only to discover from the news feed on my OH's website¹ that unemployment has risen again in the U.K.² Just what I need. More people going after the jobs I want. It's hard enough loosing out to the few people I have come up against. Although apparently I have a very good application to interview ratio. It's practically 1/2. All I need to do now is work on the interview to job offer ratio.

Apparently the number of people claiming job seeker's has gone up 32,500 to 904,900². It's 904,901 in actuality at least as I'm unemployed but I've not claimed job seeker's yet. I bet there are tons more people out there like me as well. Maybe they should give jobs out on a first come first serve basis. I've got to be further up the queue than the 32,500 who've just joined. Although I don't fancy being number 872,401 in the queue!

 

Oh and happy birthday OH ;)

 

 

1. He has his own little portal site which is very useful indeed. Add it to your favourites if you like and if you spot a site that's not up on there give us a bell and I'll get him to add it!http://homepage.ntlworld.com/r.acton4/
2. BBC NEWS | Business | UK unemployment total rises again

The past, present and the future

Yesterday is History; Tomorrow a Mystery; Today is a Gift, that's why it's called the Present.

The independent ran an article¹ today on researchers discoveries about why we get less excited about presents the older we get. I thought this was quite topical considering it's my partner's birthday tomorrow and he'll be turning the grand old age of 35. According to the article it all hinges on how our brain handles rewards². Apparently 'scientists have discovered that a chemical in the brain governing the delivery and feeling of reward is altered physically as a person grows old'¹ and this is meant to explain why opening presents is less exciting the older you get.

It sounds credible I suppose that your brain does effect how you react to gifts and I'm sure everyone can admit to it not being as fun opening your presents on Christmas morning as it was when you were a child. I know I miss haring downstairs³ to dive into your pile of gifts that Santa had left. Maybe it's not just about the chemicals though; maybe it's just that our priorities change.

I've entered a stage now in my life where I ask for practical gifts of things I need. Last Christmas I got a vacuum cleaner and for my birthday the previous year I asked for a tumble dryer. All very practical presents which are very hard to get excited over. I did attempt to attempt to resurrect the childhood scene of playing with my presents on Christmas day by trying to Hoover the lounge carpet but that didn't go down so well with those occupying the lounge at the time. Whilst the gifts become less exciting they can I think become more meaningful.

Of course that all depends on what you're given. We've all had those presents that you've opened and wondered how on earth that person thought that gift would be appropriate to give to you but done the obligatory smile and uttered those immortal words of 'oh, that's lovely thank you'. If a gift is well thought out and chosen carefully with the person in mind then it will bring joy upon opening. Perhaps not the grabbing the ripping of childhood but a much deeper form of appreciation.

The older you get the more you look for gifts outside of the monetary and material. I've found the older I've got ⁴  the more i've appreciated the things that money cannot buy like having friends and family and a partner who loves me. And who says that I can't be excited about those gifts. I practically smiled myself to sleep after my first date with my partner. One of the greatest gifts I can think of is the gift of another life. How many new parents have you seen going gaga over their new gift?

 

So maybe it isn't just children that get excited over gifts. Maybe it's just that adults have didn't ideas about what a gift is and means. We've so many things to be excited about and to be thankful for. Like the saying goes. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present. What do you have to be thankful for today.

 

1. Why presents become less exciting as you get older - Science, News - The Independent
2. Wow you don't say! I could have told them that without them spending any of my tax money. Does this mean that I hate exercise because my brain doesn't see it as rewarding, just exhausting?
3. Well maybe slowly plodding I was hardly an enthusiastic child having just woken up. For me the day doesn't start properly until about 3 hours after I've woken up so don't expect much of me pre-brunch.
4. Haha yes I know I'm only 22 and I'm making myself sound like an 82 year old but as my sister says I'm a granny at heart.

Neighbours

Are you just that ever so little bit nosey like me and wonder what your next door neighbours house looks like on the inside? Hmm I thought so. I'm inquisitive about other things too.

Today I decided to have a nose and see who my next door neighbours were on blogger. I discovered one of 2 things. The first was that my neighbours seem to be foreign and the second was that if I refreshed then I got new neighbours. If only it were that simple offline. Don't like you're neighbours? O.K. nip back indoors and then when you pop back outside you'll have a new set. Wouldn't that be great! Of course there is a distinct possibility of that happening to me given one set of neighbours have their house up for sale.

Relationships with neighbours are odd things. When I moved house with my parents when I was five the neighbourhood was quite young so everyone was quite friendly and welcomed each other in. Over the years people came and went and there is only one set of neighbours who have stayed. The old neighbours you stay friends with but you don't seem to talk now since the children have grown and moved out and the new ones you pass on the street and say hi to (or complain at because their dog's peeing on your lawn) but you never really make that connection with like you did when the neighbourhood was new.

Nowadays even when the neighbourhood is new people don't seem to talk anymore. They keep themselves to themselves and that's that. I can always remember my Nan coming out with that classic phrase of 'back in the days when you could leave your back door open'. Back then people used to talk, they used to look after one another. I doubt now whether my neighbours would batter an eyelid if they saw someone going into my house that didn't look familiar or notice if they'd not seen me in a while. The sense of community has died.

I sometimes wonder whether that's the reason why so many people suffer from depression now. It's a saddening feeling loneliness. I wonder how many people would be cured if their neighbour just went round and knocked on their door and nattered for just ten minutes every week?

What should I blog about

Have you ever done something and then wish you hadn't? My guess is that you're probably nodding right now and thinking ' yes and far too many times too'.

When I'm stuck for something to write I go on a little trawl of the interweb to search for what other people have blogged about or what they think are good topics to blog on. Unfortunately I came across a blog post ¹ about all the things that it's not good to blog about! Or maybe it's fortunate I don't know. Apparently I'm not supposed to give and hourly account of my day; blog about my pets; or my dislike of my future in-laws (I actually love them to bits so that's not a problem); complain about the lack of comments on my blog or apologise for being too busy to blog.

I'm probably guilty of at least 3 of those. I'll let you guess which 3 they are but you're you probably know already. Not that I know you're reading as you never comment (oops I've broken rule number 4 again!). Personally I don't really care. I mean my blog is for me primarily if I want to tell you what my goldfish has eaten today then I should be allowed to. If someone wants to read what I've posted and likes what I've written then fine and I'm glad they've liked reading it too but I'm not going to make my blog about what everyone else wants to hear otherwise it'll just bore me and If I'm bored then everyone else definitely will be. Of course that doesn't stop me being vain and  secretly wanting to be read.  Deep down everyone wants to be heard.

 

1. http://weblogtoolscollection.com/archives/2006/12/17/things-you-should-avoid-blogging-about/

Back to black

I'm having a rough weekend this week. Maybe it's the thought of another impending interview and the looming fear that yet again I'll be rejected. I feel like this year has been one big train wreck. My confidence (what little I had) has gone, my dreams are in tatters and I've lost the one thing I thought I was good at ¹. If I can't get a job then what am I going to do. It would be the ultimate rejection. 'Never mind' said everyone when I had my meltdown and ruined my chances at getting my PGCE. 'You have a degree and a 2:1 is an excellent mark'. What good is a degree if I can't do anything with it though. It's a degree in education and even the education establishments don't seem to want me. Especially the ones I was training to teach in (primary schools).

I've been feeling lately like my life is so empty and like I'm running on auto-pilot. I do the same thing every day, I go the same places every weekend and soon I'll not even be able to afford to do that I'll just have to sit at home because that's free. The only thing good in my life and that's keeping me clinging on is my OH and I'm worried that I'm going to loose him because I can't tell him what's going on in my head. I want to but the words just won't form themselves and I just can't answer. I don't know myself what's happening. All I do know is I feel like I'm drifting back into the black abyss that I was in 6 months ago when my life fell apart and I have no way out because this was my way out. Getting a job and having something to distract me was meant to help but it isn't and I don't know what to do.

I'm frightened. I don't like where I'm heading but I feel powerless to stop it. I can't just smile and everything will feel better. I can't tell people what's wrong because they just don't understand. 'Everything' it seems is not a suitable answer. It's like witnessing an all-out massacre in front of you and someone asking 'what's wrong' and you just see so much that you just don't know where to start. Worst still there is no where to escape. You just think you've conquered it and then Wham there goes another wave and you don't know why or where it came from. You were happy to minutes ago why now.

When that wave does it, so unexpectedly you're left dazed and confused and with people asking all sorts expecting you to have the answer and you can't look them in the eye and tell them because you have no answer and the look of fear that you see in their eyes is so gut wrenching that you just can't bring yourself to look at them. No matter how bad you feel inside you dread to make them feel the way you do and though you try and you want to tell them what's going on inside. You know that if you do speak it out loud and let those words go there's no going back, no way to undo them. You're scared that once let loose that things will never be the same and that you'll make them just as unhappy as you.

What crushes me most is the doubts it creates in others. Most of all my OH because I love him so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He understands me like no other person, he has the patience of a saint and puts up with all the crap I throw at him and still he's by my side. Yet every time I'm down there's that little niggle. 'Do you still want to be with me?' and it puts doubts in my mind too not about whether I do want to be with him but because I wonder if he still wants to be with me. Am I still what he wants? How much more of this can he stand because I couldn't stand to loose him.

1. Which everyone says is temporary and once I believed them but I'm not so sure any more.

Weathering storms, applications and.... daddy long legs (eek!)

Today the small part of the U.K. in which I reside must have been through the complete cycle of weather excluding that of a hurricane. The day started off perfectly nicely with a few rays of sunshine to brighten my mood. I cheerfully begun work on the mound of job adverts that had suddenly appeared in the papers yesterday (so much for my thoughts of an impending drought in work opportunities). I wasn't really in the mood to tackle this mountain after yesterday's frenzied attack on the application form that the interviewing school had sent ¹. Chin up I thought. Once you've sorted it all out you can go for a little walk to the corner shop and replenish the M&M² and polo stock.

So I settled down to work and I'm thinking brilliant I've not got long to go I'll be done in no time. Stopped for a spot of lunch. Took a quick look online to see if it was possible to have my loved ones present delivered to me via online in time for his birthday. Then just as I'm thinking I could go out on my little sweetie trip now. I hear rumbling and the wind picks up. Two minutes later it's lashing it down with rain and there is scary lightening and thunderbolts. Eeek! I think. I hate lightening storms they freak me out, I'm convinced I'll get fried. If there's a lightening storm going on you'll usually find me cowering behind something and staying as far away from light switches, windows and plug sockets as possible. I unplugged the laptop (very gingerly I might add) in case that got fried and tried my best to distract myself.

It thundered none stop for about 45 minutes or so. Then it stopped and I think finally I'll have some peace so I can chill but no. Then I hear this weird fluttering noise and I look up at the window which I'd had open because it was stuffy and there was the hugest daddy long legs I've ever seen. I panicked and tried in vain to flap it out the window with a very floppy piece of newspaper no such luck. The damn thing clung on with two of it's legs. I wimped out and closed the blinds so I couldn't see and hoped it wouldn't escape.

I'm now sat here waiting for my night in shining armor to come home from work and rescue me. He'd better be quick because it's sounding vicious!

 
1. I really ticked me off. I'd already sent them my CV and a letter of application and it was enough to get me an interview why do I need to fill in the application they have all the information in what I already sent them!
2. It wasn't me who ate them all it was the little ladybird's I promise 

Filling the voids

I finally got the details through for a job interview that was supposed to be happening next week. I was beginning to think that I had dreamed getting the phone call asking if I was still available.

I emailed the other day to check the progress on the information I was supposed to be getting and it was apparently been typed as I read and that I would get the letter, job description and application form in the post shortly.... but hang on a minute. I thought I'd already applied? Oh well I thought, they've left it an awfully long time to reply to my initial application (I applied way back in July) they might have been re-offering the job and were sending out application forms to new applicants as well as informing me of when my interview was.

Sadly today I discovered that was not the case. After all that work I put in writing a letter of application and sending it in with my CV I now have to go through the whole process again only I have to write the details in boxes! Not only that but I discovered that I'm going to be interviewed twice by these people (as if once wasn't torture enough). It's also got me worried because I apparently get told the results of my interview on the day as part of the interview process. I've only ever had one job offer and it was from someone I knew so it was more informal. I have no idea how to go about accepting a job. I'm shy and retiring and don't like being put on the spot.

I phoned my mum up for support and just ended up coming back feeling worse than when I'd rang. She had another moan at me about getting income support. I'm feeling a little isolated at the moment. It feels that everything I want to do boils down to having money. I want my own space where I can flit from room to room without feeling like I'm intruding and where I can sulk, laugh or cry if I want to and have a key so I can come and go as I please; I want to have something to do in the day other than looking for work (i.e. a job); I want to learn to drive and buy a car. Sadly it feels like none of this is going to happen soon if at all.

I tried to cheer myself up by blogging but I don't think it's working. I have this new gadget for windows live writer (the program I use to write this blog). It puts up handy pictures and articles as I type my blog so that you can add them in if they fit what you're talking about.

I found this cartoon in blog article on there and it's the only thing that's made me crack even the faintest of smiles today.

Follow me?

Secretly I think everyone wants to know they're liked by at least one person. They might try their hardest to hide it but we all crave that little bit of attention from something or someone. The knowledge that someone out there knows that they exist.

I for one have a secret urge to become an Internet celebrity. To be known across the ether. I'm not exactly sure what I'd like to be famous for, maybe I could be someone who is just famous for fame's sake a bit like Paris Hilton...Only I'd have more brain cells and not act like a complete arse thinking I was better than anyone else. I'd just be happy that people knew me and knew who I was.

When I was a child I used to dream of being famous, all those people following my every move. Now I've grown up a little I've realised that maybe being hounded by paparazzi 24/7 isn't what I want. I quite like the idea of being known for my writing. I've had a few poems published and I've always thought that maybe I could have my own book of poems published. All of mine and not just part of a huge anthology. Maybe I should make it a new year's resolution (well 3/4 of the way through the year really!).

I think maybe if I want to lead the quiet life while being famous then I could be known maybe just by online pseudonym. I could be the next Belle De Jour ¹. Maybe like her I'll be famous for my blog. I'd probably have to change my name though, pinkymooo sounds a bit lame don't ya' think?

Of course in order to be famous for blogging then people would actually have to read the thing. Deep down I reckon every blogger secretly hopes that they'll get a cult following. I know I do. It would be nice to think that it wasn't just my OH reading these posts! I got quite excited the other week when I spotted that Blogger (the site that hosts this blog) was introducing a new feature. It's a widget that you can add to your blog that lets readers add themselves either publicly or anonymously to a followers list for you blog. I've eagerly awaited it's activation². Well now they've finally let us use it. So I've added it to my blog in the vain hope that someone else out there is reading this and doesn't think this blog is carp (of course you can still add yourself as a follower even if you do!).

So if you're reading out there and you're liking what you're reading then why not tell me. I'll brighten up my day. Especially as I still have another 25 days left before I hit my 40 days of blogging target.

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1. I'd probably wouldn't write as well as her and I'd definitely not have the guts to be as XXX. I have the utmost admiration for what she's done though. It's given me an insight into the life of a profession that I've always been intrigued (in the sense of wondering why they do it and what goes on behind closed doors) by but would never want to join.

2. Why they couldn't activate it straight away I don't know. I guess they wanted to have us frothing at the mouth before they let us have it.

Let's party like its 1909!

Today was my OH's grandmother's 99th birthday. We went on a 50 mile round trip for lunch. A bit far you might say but it was an extremely good lunch and very good value for money. We had a carvery for the bargain price of £3.50. My OH was working today so unfortunately he couldn't join us but I'm hoping I can take him back there so he can sample the tasty treats.

I hope that his Nan enjoyed her birthday. I can only hope that I live to see the grand old age of 99. A lot must have happened in this last almost century. My OH's Nan has seen and survived 2 world wars, the rise in use of cars and motorised transport and overseas travel, television, the Internet, the list goes on. It's got me thinking what changes will I see in my lifetime? Maybe global warming will have taken over earth and we'll all be forced to move to the Moon or Mars. Maybe our cars will fly or we'll teleport everywhere. Who knows? I wonder whether I'll be able to keep up with the changes (I hope so) or will I be like my grandmother and be completely puzzled by any new form of technology.

Of course I might not live beyond tomorrow. I might get swallowed by a small black hole originating from Switzerland!

True love

I saw this post secret the other day and it made me smile and I completely agree. Of all the people I've known in my life It's been (dare I say it) the slightly geekier ones that have been the most caring and sharing. I think it was because they were never in the 'it' crowd and they didn't have a pretence of being cool and popular to keep. They were just genuine. I'm not sure I really like the label geek. I was always branded as a geek in school because I had glasses but I never considered myself one. Secretly I think I wished to be cool but now I've grown up I've realised I'd rather be unique and be me.

My OH is a Star Wars fan and if you've read my blog you'll know he got me to watch it recently and I'm totally converted. I can wholeheartedly agree with that postcard. My OH is my one true love. My first love. He is the kindest most sensitive person I know. He loves me even when I don't love myself and accepts me for just being me. He is perfect.