Gone but not forgotten

Today has been a pretty fraught day today. I awoke feeling gloomy remembering  yesterday's interview and not having gotten the job. I mustered some spirit to switch on the laptop and check for more jobs and to think about filling out the application forms I'd still got to fill in for another job and the interview I have on Tuesday.

I'd just about perked myself up when I got a phone call. It was from one of the school's I'd assumed that the boat had sailed on when it came to interviews. They rang and said that it was really short notice but could I make an interview tomorrow. I paused for a second and said would it be O.k. to phone back only I had to check transportation arrangements. They said yes and said "oh and we'd like you to read a 30 minute story to a group of children you can use your own resources like puppets and things". Flashes of panic went through me and I could feel my blood pressure rising. I should be happy I had another interview right? Well I would be if they'd asked me any other day than today and if they'd given me more time.

I've spent the rest of today stressing over whether or not to say yes to it or not because I felt so under pressure and ill-prepared for it. I ended up saying no because it was hiking my stress levels practically to the same levels that they'd been before I'd had to defer my course. I tried to get myself back on track again by filling out the medical forms so I could get them in the post but that just depressed me further because I have to somehow explain I've been depressed without sounding like I could fall apart at any moment.

As if today couldn't be any more depressing, it marks the date 4 years ago that my granddad passed away.  It's true what some people say about not realising what you've got till it's gone. He's left such a big hole in my life that I just don't know how to fill it. He died the day before I started university. I was packed off on my own to uni where I spent a week trying to cope with grief on my own with no friends. Making friends is hard to do when you're grieving and feel so alone and all you wish is that you could be at home with your family. I don't think I've ever properly had time to grief for him and I never will. Everyone else in my family seems to have moved past where I am and I can't talk to them about it. Especially my Nan. She has a new man now and she seems to be trying to rid her life of all things related to my grandad. What feels worse is that I used to be able to talk to her because she was alone too. We held each other together. But now she seems to have given herself permission not to do that. She told me when I visited her last that I'd told her that she had him now so she didn't need to talk to me as much. I don't ever remember saying that and if I did I never meant it I just wanted her to feel O.k.

I want to know when life is going to be good to me. There were two things that made me feel slightly happier today. My OH because he always makes me smile no matter what and a Post Secret card I found on an archive site that said something along the lines of "every story has a happy ending. If you're not happy yet then it's not the end". I'm keeping my fingers crossed that what they said is true.

Neighbours

Are you just that ever so little bit nosey like me and wonder what your next door neighbours house looks like on the inside? Hmm I thought so. I'm inquisitive about other things too.

Today I decided to have a nose and see who my next door neighbours were on blogger. I discovered one of 2 things. The first was that my neighbours seem to be foreign and the second was that if I refreshed then I got new neighbours. If only it were that simple offline. Don't like you're neighbours? O.K. nip back indoors and then when you pop back outside you'll have a new set. Wouldn't that be great! Of course there is a distinct possibility of that happening to me given one set of neighbours have their house up for sale.

Relationships with neighbours are odd things. When I moved house with my parents when I was five the neighbourhood was quite young so everyone was quite friendly and welcomed each other in. Over the years people came and went and there is only one set of neighbours who have stayed. The old neighbours you stay friends with but you don't seem to talk now since the children have grown and moved out and the new ones you pass on the street and say hi to (or complain at because their dog's peeing on your lawn) but you never really make that connection with like you did when the neighbourhood was new.

Nowadays even when the neighbourhood is new people don't seem to talk anymore. They keep themselves to themselves and that's that. I can always remember my Nan coming out with that classic phrase of 'back in the days when you could leave your back door open'. Back then people used to talk, they used to look after one another. I doubt now whether my neighbours would batter an eyelid if they saw someone going into my house that didn't look familiar or notice if they'd not seen me in a while. The sense of community has died.

I sometimes wonder whether that's the reason why so many people suffer from depression now. It's a saddening feeling loneliness. I wonder how many people would be cured if their neighbour just went round and knocked on their door and nattered for just ten minutes every week?