Two kinds of secret

“There are two kinds of secrets: Those we keep from others, and those we hide from ourselves”

-Frank Warren Postsecret.com

Everyone has secrets. Whether they're big or small, bad or good. We have them. Whether we're keeping them to spare feelings to spare our own feelings or others,trying to save our bacon or simply keeping something so it'll be a surprise. We all do it.

There's something profound in Frank's quote. It's not said aloud and I don't think it has to be but I get the sense that he is trying to say that the secrets that we keep that we daren't tell another soul let alone think about ourselves are the ones that may well do the most damage. The one's that you taunt yourself with when you can't sleep in the early hours of the morning, when you're feeling low and in anguish over them and you wish you could tell someone but you're afraid that they'll never understand the why, when or how.

It's amazing the power that other people's opinions have on us. Even those people who claim they don't care what people think. Deep down I think they do and they only say they don't to cover up that fact. Given the option to reveal things anonymously however can give people the courage to let go of the things that taunt them or they're just to shy to admit. I wonder how many people a year send anonymous valentines to their secret loves?

Frank has been giving people the opportunity of anonymous relief from their secrets for almost 5 years now. Secret bearers can mail him a postcard bearing their secret, Frank then lovingly scans these cards and posts them on his blog every Sunday for the rest of the web community to see. Whilst it might seem like an odd thing to do I can see why people would do it. The feeling of immense relief people must get from releasing their secrets knowing that they remain anonymous and the chances of it ever being recognised by people they know are so small.

There are secrets that I've read on the blog however that tug on my heart strings and I dearly wish that I could tell them that things will be alright or give them a hug. This is where the problem of being anonymous rears it's head. The anonymity gives you the guts to share and the relief but it doesn't give you the forgiveness or understanding that you wished for.

That's what's nice about this blog. I have anonymity and familiarity both at the same time. I'm anonymous to those who do not know I have this blog but familiar to those who I let in (hello honey ;) ). I've never been very good at expressing my feelings and sensitive thoughts out loud. I'm a bottler and take years to build up confidences with people. I've always been shy and found it hard to say what I'm really thinking and I ponder what I'll say when I do come out with something. I psyche myself up for hours before I have to make a phone call and if I can find any other way to communicate I will preferably if it involves a computer. There is something about writing in printed type which is therapeutic to me. I think it's because if I do something wrong then I can go back and undo it. Once something is said then it can't be undone. There are things I put down in words in this blog that I know I could never express out loud and knowing that I can write it here and someone else close to me will read is nerve-racking but also at the same time so peaceful.

The idea of postcard secrets does appeal to me. The thought of setting something free for the world to see without anyone ever knowing it was me makes my heart flutter but for now I think I'll stick to sharing them with you ;) .

Money, Money, Money

As I write this my incredibly sexy other half is serenading me with the hits of ABBA. He's entertaining himself while he works. There have been points where I wondered if he'd injured himself and I should go to his aid but on the whole it's quite tuneful!

Still at least he's earning his crust. I wish I was. I've been looking on facebook a lot this week which is probably a bad idea not only because it's an incredibly good distraction but also because it's back to school week. Nice for all those mums and dads out their who've finally got shot of their kids till October half term however not so nice for me. It's good for job prospects I mean I can't get a job as a teaching assistant if the school's aren't open but not so good for self-esteem. If I'd not gotten stressed and failed my placement and some because of it then I'd have graduated from my PGCE course this July and I may well have had a job by now. Instead I have to read all of my friends statuses and wall posts saying how they're tired but having fun. I can't but give a deep sigh and wonder what life would be like if I had been able to carry on.

But I didn't. In a way I feel more free but trapped at the same time. It's an odd feeling. I'm glad that I stopped when I did because I know that I was heading for self destruct but now I put the teaching on pause I'm not quite sure what I want to do. It's been such a big part of my life that it's hard to think of other things to fill the space with. I feels a bit like having been in a car accident and having to learn to walk again. You wonder if you'll be able to walk or to drive again or if you want to or whether you'll have to find another way to get about but you're not sure whether you can cycle or use the bus because you've never tried and it's been a long time since you rode a bicycle.

I wanted to try and do something with my ICT skills. I'm quite creative and my computer is like a 5th limb to me but all the jobs I seem to find want me to have experience or qualifications and I haven't done any formal exams relating to ICT since I was at school. I don't really want to retrain. I've spent 3 years doing a degree I want some life experience now. If anyone's got any smart ideas I'd love to hear them.

Pretty S**ty day

Today I've just felt so utterly depressed. I put it down to having had a really rough week with all my worries. I spoke to my parents last night about my current job hunting and they said how well I was doing and although I know they were probably right I just feel like I'm getting nowhere. I'm good enough to get an interview but no one wants to hire me. What is it about my physical appearance that puts them of me? What do I say or do that stops them wanting to hire me? I wish I knew.

I told them about not having much money and they told me I should sign on but not in a suggestive way more an aggressive way and my dad went on about how I owed it to the people who were supporting me. I've been feeling really guilty about that recently it set me back on rock bottom. Now all I can think about is what if I don't get a job? What if I'm always left depending on people. Talking in last night's blog about a baby feeling like a way out, it really does. I know it wouldn't be as I really wouldn't have any money as I'd probably have to give up the job hunt but at least there would be a purpose to my life. At the moment I feel like I'm living to find work.

I really wasn't feeling too good emotionally today I'm slowly recovering from the bubble I built around myself fantasizing about being a mum. I really wanted to talk to my mum about it but the way she and dad had a go at me about job seeker's I just didn't have the strength to broach the subject I just wanted a hug. Today I've tried in vain to distract myself from it with application forms but  it's just not working and the thoughts of more forms tomorrow isn't helping. I just want a job so I can stop worrying about money and I have some variety in my day (I'll probably not be saying that if I get one though!)

Loosing something you never had

I've felt quite down today. It's probably the hormones. Aunty Flo has arrived today. She's caused a lot of angst this month to the point of forcing me to take a test last night to check if she'd gone on a 9 month vacation. The test said no she hadn't but I was anxious why she'd not shown any signs of arrival. Both my OH and myself sat anxiously in the bathroom for what felt like the longest 2 minutes of my life.

I'd spent all of the weekend umming and arring about taking the test and what on earth we were going to do if it came out positive. I have no money and no home to call my own, me and my OH aren't even engaged and I'd hoped that I'd be married if such an event occurred. I was so afraid of what might be. But secretly I was also fantasising, imaging what I'd look like with a bump, the clothes I'd buy for them, bathing them, feeding them, playing games and being a family. So whilst I breathed a sigh of relief when it turned negative I also felt quite disappointed and like I'd missed out on something very special.

It feels lately like I haven't had many special things happen to me (except my OH who is my rock). I've had one really rough year. I left my PGCE course in April after suffering  from what I think was a major bought of depression and stress. I've got the opportunity to go back in January and finish it off but I'm just not sure that I'm ready to. Instead I'm looking for jobs as a teaching assistant because I like working in schools and with children and it'll hopefully help me to decide if I want to carry on trying to be a teacher, do something else, or maybe just carry on being a TA. So far I've had interviews but no job offers, I've got less money than when I was a student which seems a bit of an oxymoron really. I like to know where I'm going and what I'm doing so not knowing what I'll be doing in 6 months time let alone 9 or 12 is killing me. I'm going to go an get job seekers soon. I've resisted till now out  of cowardice. I hate form filling and I hate asking for things especially if I feel I don't deserve them.

In a way I feel a little gutted that the test did come back negative. In those few days I had my next 9 months planned. They would have been hard but I'd have had something to show for them and something to do. I'd have a purpose. I think ever since I was old enough to contemplate having children I've wanted them (not as in being a teen mum or anything... always when I felt ready) and I've sort of had this mental map of how my life would look and it looks nothing like how my life is now and I wonder if it ever will. I know it probably won't ever and it's probably completely unrealistic but I'd love it if some part of it were true at least.

Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies

Every now and again I like to nip on yahoo answers. Mostly out of boredom but also slight curiosity. I feel quite good about myself when I'm able to answer people's queries like I'm some kind of miniature guru who knows all about keeping tropical fish or operating lawn mowers.  It also makes for an interesting social experiment too. I've deduced from both reading responses to my own questions and others that there are several types of people who frequent these kinds of site:

Top contributor: These people have no life and always come out with the perfect answer. You feel strangely drawn to them and their little green badges over other users good answers when picking the best answer to your question.

Me 2: Those posters who either just post one word responses or agree with the rest of the 27 other posters just so they can get their 2 point bonus.

cna you raed my txt spk?: There's nothing more frustrating than trying to decipher what appears to be closer to some ancient form of Greek than English especially if it's written by the person asking the question. How can you expect someone to answer the question if you can't write in sentences that make grammatical sense? (Yes OH I know you'll go through this with a fine tooth comb and find all my errors but I'd hope my posts make enough sense with any minor errors... hypocritical I know)

Mother Teresa: These people think that they are so saintly and free from sin that they should be first to cast the first stone they can often be found trolling the "help me I'm 14 and might be pregnant" threads.

There are many more and I'll maybe add to them as I spot them so look out for further posts!

Tell me why I don't like Mondays?

Yup it's the start of the week again. Back to the endless trawl of the job adverts. Rang one up today to ask for an application and looked the other up on the Internet. I love the Internet. It's made applying for jobs so much easier. For a start you can trawl endlessly on sites looking for anything or nothing in particular. If you find something you like the look of you can pretty much apply straight away at the click of a button or at least find out more.

Of course being online can often lead to distraction; MSN pinging you to tell you have a message from facebook is of course a matter which must be looked into straight away;suddenly even spam email becomes interesting and rearranging all of your favourites into categories in alphabetical order is a necessity. It's amazing what you can find to do on your computer when you have something that needs doing.

I've had to distract myself a lot today from things that seem way bigger than I can cope thinking about. Why is life so complicated? I wonder if there's some kind of cheat magazine I can buy that'll give me a code to hack into my brain with so I can play my live on easy mode?

Easy like Sunday...yawning

Today has been pretty leisurely and laid back again. We've been continuing our Star Wars fest with a sprinkling of Juno (one of the best films ever in my opinion) and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind for a little variety.

I don't know whether it's just me or whether other people feel it too but for me Sunday's have this unnerving feeling about them. I think it's because they mark the end of the weekend and the return to the work day grind (well it would if I had a job. At the moment it represents going back to the newspaper to trawl the ads, watching re-runs of danger mouse and developing a slightly scary obsession with talk shows (Nothing beats a bit of Jeremy Kyle to set you up for the rest of the day). Have you ever noticed how the hands on the clock seem to turn quicker on a Sunday? I think that they must know that the weekend's nearly over and decide to trickle away faster like the last few grains of sand in an hour glass.

Maybe I don't like Sundays because it means I've got to wait another 6 days to spend the whole day with my OH. It's nice staying with him and seeing more of him but it can get a little lonely when he's at work. I know I have jobs to look for and a million things to entertain me but somehow they're not as good as being able to snuggle up to him with my head on his chest listening to both our hearts beating as one (yes I know very mushy but I'm allowed to be it's my blog and I'm in love!).

This weekend seems to have gone alarmingly quickly and has been accompanied by a lot of frowns and worried thoughts and discussions. I'm not up to telling anything just yet. I need to get my head around what I want to do about the situation first and how I feel.